Running away was always her answer
by whenvampiresdon'tsuck
Summary: A story about my OTP, Nate and Serena :D Everything from season 1 to episode 4.09 has happened. I've read spoliers and it's not looking good for my NS. So I decided to make my own version of the last half of season 4..
1. They kind of chose for her

A/N: I know it's short, but i was just trying to see how it would turn out.. Would love your reviews :D And should I continue this..?

* * *

"Nate left" Dan sat down next to her bed.

"Oh" She pressed her lips together and started fighting the tears she felt was trying to escape. She didn't want to show him that Nate not being there was so bad that him being there didn't make up for it.

She took a breath. "Did he say something?" She wasn't sure she wanted to know the answer. She looked at Dan. Clearly he didn't like the question.

"He told me he cares about you. A lot. But that this is what you always do to drag people back into your life…" The last things he said was only a whisper.

Now she wasn't able to stop the tears from coming. "He said that?" She whispered. She thought that Nate was the one person who would always believe her, never judge her and would stand by her through anything. Dan nodded and took her hand. "I'm not going anywhere. I believe you. You're not doing drugs. That's insane." He gave her a small smile and she returned it. But Serena couldn't help but to think that the thought of her doing drugs wasn't completely insane. The thing was that Dan never saw that side of her. Met _that_ girl.

* * *

"Sweetie, I've talked with the doctors and discussed it with Rufus and your brother. We think its best you go to the Ostroff Center. "Lily looked at her daughter.

"No!" Serena turned away from her mother. The mother who never was there for her growing up. The mother who always thinks the worst of her. That never fully believe that she has changed. Believes that she no longer is that girl who made so many mistakes all those years ago.

"I really think it's the best for you, Serena." Lily sighed. Serena was quiet; she just stared into the wall. "Talk to me." Serena sat up in bed. "You don't know what's best for me. I didn't do this, I didn't take drugs. I'm not like that anymore. You are here now trying to be a mother, but where were you when I really needed it?" She paused."Please believe med mum, I didn't do it…"

Lily just walked out.

* * *

Serena felt so alone. She sat in her bed crying, tears streaming down her cheeks. Blair hadn't believed her. Her own mother and brother didn't believe her. And there was Nate… He was done, clearly didn't want anything to do with her. Just when she was about to cry even more, he stood there in the opening. The only one who believed her. She couldn't help but to smile at him, she could see it in his eyes. How much he loved her, wanted to be with her. He chose her, always. Maybe it was time for her to choose too.

* * *

Nate walked around in his mother's apartment trying to stop thinking about the girl who right now was laying in a hospital bed. The girl he still loved. But this was so typical her, do something big and dramatic to get everyone's attention. To get people back in her life. To again be the center of attention. But maybe he shouldn't have left the hospital before seeing her. Maybe he shouldn't have walked away so fast. Away from her.

* * *

She chose. Finally she chose.


	2. Same toothbrush, different boy

"So you were there to tell me? That you picked me" She tried to remember. "I…" She paused and looked at him. Saw the excitement in his eyes; saw the little smile he had. "I…" Don't' remember, you should tell him the truth. That you don't remember much from that day. The voice in her head was louder than ever. But she couldn't get any words out. So she just nodded.

"Oh, Serena. You don't know how relieved I am. A voice in my head told me that you were going to pick Nate. How could I compete with him?" He sighed and pressed his lips against hers lightly. "I love you so much." He said and touched her cheek. "I love you too, Dan." She whispered. She did love him, she really did. But was it possible to love two people at the same time?

"Mum wants me to go to the Ostroff Center." She told him. "I really don't want to… I haven't done anything" She hoped he would understand, that he could help her in any way. "She can't force you, Serena. You're nineteen, you can make your one decisions. Especially big ones like this." He took her hand.

"But I have nowhere to go. I can't go home to our parents; I can't go home to Blair." She took a breath. "They all think I'm on drugs, that I'm back to being the girl with only issues"

Dan stood up. "Come home with me." He said, and she could see that he meant it. "You can live at the loft, and we'll deal with all of this together." Serena looked up at him; he was so good to her. "But what about Vanessa? Isn't she still living there?" Dan had forgotten all about his friend, who was currently living with him. "She'll have to deal with it. It's my decision to make. If she doesn't like it, she can find somewhere else to live."

Serena didn't like this side of him. That he so easily could kick out the girl who had been his best friend since kinder garden. The girl who had been his girlfriend for so long. It made her think about how easily she could lose him; how easily he could turn his back on her. Actually she had seen it just yesterday, when he and Nate thought she had played with them, kissed them both. How had that happened? Serena shuddered, couldn't escape that bad feeling that was sneaking up on her.

"Okay." She said to him."I'll move into the loft with you" he embraced her and whispered into her ear."I love you." She didn't smile.

* * *

"So here we are again. We've shared some good moments here." He said to her holding her hand tightly. She nodded and squeezed his hand.

"That we have" Vanessa said coming from the bathroom. You could see the anger and disappointment in her eyes. Serena let go of Dan's hand and stared to the ground. Vanessa looked at the bags surrounding them. "You got to be kidding me, she's moving in here?"

"Vanessa…I'm so sorry" Serena said and looked at her, hoping she would believe her. She was truly sorry, didn't mean to hurt Vanessa like this. She hoped Dan would say something; it was his best friend that was standing there with tears in her eyes.

"You're not sorry, Serena. You are never sorry. You just go around hurting people so that you can feel better, get everything you want." Dan still didn't say anything. "I don't know what to say, Vanessa. I'm sorry you feel this way. But I honestly never wanted to hurt you."

Dan went forward facing Vanessa. "This isn't Serena's fault. I want her to stay here. And you're very welcome to stay here, but if this is going to be a problem I'd like you to find somewhere else to stay." Vanessa looked like she was going to slap him.

"I'm done, Dan. For good this time." And then she was out the door.

* * *

Dan went out to buy some food and coffee. Serena was settling in, unpacking her bags. She placed her toothbrush next to Dan's. And in that moment she felt a sting in her heart. Last year her toothbrush was standing next to one similar to this one. In another bathroom. With another boy.

She sat down on the coach trying to fight the feeling of not fitting in there, the feeling that this was all wrong. That this was not where she should be. "I'm a mess…" She whispered to herself and those words only made her sadder.

"So, this is where you're hiding."

"Nate..."


	3. A small confession

She stood up in an instant.

"I came to see if Dan was here." His face was expressionless. Serena understood that he quickly wanted to establish that he wasn't looking for _her_.

"He's out…Nate, I want to…" She started before he interrupted her."Don't bother, Serena. I'm not interested in hearing your excuses. I've had enough."

She hated seeing him like this. She knew he was hurt, she could see it right away. She'd known him since forever. This was what he did, tried to cover up the hurt. He didn't want her to see just how much she was hurting him. She believed he didn't want to show her how much he still cared. About her. About them.

Nate looked at the empty bags that were standing outside the bedroom door.

"Are you living here now?" He sighed."Why am I even surprised?"

"I really want to explain, Nate. All of it." She was so close to tears she had to bite her lips to stay in some sort of control.

"What is there to explain, S? First you text me and Dan the same message while you're in Paris. Then you use both of use to make some billionaire teacher jealous. And just to top the whole thing you kiss us both at Chuck's party and then deny it. And today we find out you're in the hospital, because you have started doing drugs again." He took a breath of air.

"And now…" He had to take a minute."Now you live with Dan… " It was painful to say those words out loud.

"I wish you would believe me, Nate. I didn't kiss you guys at the party and I didn't take any drugs." She took a step forward. A step closer to him. She touched his arm. "Please believe me…"

For a moment she thought she could see something in his eyes. Something warm and caring. Something very similar to love. But then he turned away from her and walked to the door. He stopped on the way out.

"Congratulations, Serena. For finally managing to make a choice."

And with that he was gone.

* * *

He found her in bed.

"What's wrong, Serena? Why are you crying?" He sat down next to her and reached out to wipe away some of the tears. She sat up and wiped away the rest for herself.

"Oh, it's nothing. I was only thinking about everything, and it got to be a little too much. "She didn't know why she was lying to him.

Or maybe she did know. And that was part of the problem.

* * *

She's been staying in for days. Not talking to anyone. Except Dan of course. She had gotten a dozen calls from her mum and Eric. But she really didn't want to talk to them. Hear her mother's judging voice tell her how much of a disappointment she is. Tell her that she should be at rehab right now.

She doesn't know what she and Dan are exactly. If they're really together. It doesn't feel like it. It doesn't feel like it did before, when they were together the first time. When she was talking about forever. It doesn't feel like being in love. Her thoughts get interrupted when her best friend's standing in the doorway.

"Can I come in?" Blair looked at her.

"Sure" Serena answered and sat down in the coach. "You can even sit down."

Blair looked at the coach with something that looked like fear of catching something. Some sort of disease. "Well, I don't have much choice do I?" She sat down, her body barley touching the pillows.

"First I want to apologize for not believing in you." She took Serena's hand. "Jenny came by earlier today. And she told me about what she and Juliet have been up to." She sighed."Juliet drugged you, Serena. She's totally crazy and Jenny told me she came up with this major plan to take you down. Turn everyone you know and care about against you."

Serena looked at her best friend and couldn't get a word out.

"Juliet and Jenny found out what dress you were planning to wear and bought two similar ones. They went in there to trick Nate and Dan. And then Juliet gave you something and drove you away to some sleazy hotel room. .."

"And that's where I woke up not able to remember anything." Serena said and shuddered. "That's just sick." She needed some time to process this, to take it all in. "Do you know what she has against me? Juliet I mean." Blair shook her head. "Jenny didn't know. Juliet called her and wanted her on board. And Jenny, that little bitch, couldn't wait to take you down. But I guess she has a conscience after all."

"I don't understand why Jenny would do this to me now? I'm not with Nate anymore…"

"I can see that." Blair said and raised an eyebrow."You're too busy playing house with Humphrey. "

Serena sighed, she was well aware of Blair's thoughts about Dan.

"Yeah… I told him I went to the party to tell him I chose him. That I wanted to be with him and not Nate. But honestly I don't remember anything." She took a breath. "I don't think I chose Dan."

"Serena." Blair said in a warning voice.

Serena knew he was standing there before she even turned around.


	4. Queen B is always right

**A/N: I know it's short but I'm studying for my exams so I don't have much spare time . Please review :D**

* * *

"Dan… I didn't mean…"

"You didn't mean to say it so I could hear it. You meant what you said. "He looked at her, his eyes filled with disappointment.

Blair made a little sound, stood up from the coach and went for the door.

"Awful to see you, Humphrey. Like always."She stopped; you could see she was planning some sort of attack.

"You should have listened to me. To what I said to you before the summer. You shouldn't have messed with Nate and Serena. And you and Serena are over; I think you were kind of doomed from the start. Like me and Nate" She offered Dan a little smile and went out the door.

"Whatever, Blair." He yelled after her. Knew he had lost that one.

Serena wasn't longer sitting; she was standing in front of him. Her eyes begging him for something. Anything at this point. She didn't say a word. Dan knew she wanted him to start, like she always did.

"What do you want me to say, Serena?" He sighed. "You lied to me. You lied to me and told me you chose me. You told me you loved me and that you wanted to be with me. And stupid me, I believed you. I believed you like I always do. And it seems you always manage to find some way to let me down."

"I'm so sorry. You were there for me; you were the only one who still had faith in me. I couldn't lose that, I wasn't ready to lose that. You trusted me and now I've betrayed that trust. Do you think you can ever...?"

"Trust you again? You're making that incredibly difficult, Serena. You keep lying. And…" He didn't know what to say exactly. He loved her.

"I know, Dan. I messed up. Again. I'm just one big pile of messiness." Serena started crying and Dan took her hand.

"But I love you. That's what's most difficult in all of this. I love you and I can try to deny it, but will always be there. Even though it hurts and makes everything difficult. Even though loving you is going to result in me losing two of my friends. You living here are going to create tension in our family. I'm disappointed right now, but if you want to be with me I'm here. I'm yours and I will try to trust you again."

She drew her hands close to her chest, both were shaking and she still cried silent tears. Her lips didn't move, her feet and arms didn't move. Her eyes didn't move from his. But her thoughts were all over the place. They didn't give her a break, they didn't give her answers.

Dan was starting to get inpatient.

"I put myself out there. Tell you what's inside my heart. And you just stand there." He took a breath.

"Say something, Serena…"

"I don't know what to say." She looked to the ground.

"I think that says it all."

And then he left her standing there, her eyes still looking down at the wooden floor. This should make her cry, create some sort of emotion inside her. She breathed out and the only thing she felt was relief. Relief mixed with a little fear. Because now she was alone again. The scariest feeling in the world. Or maybe the second scariest.

* * *

"You still love her, Nathaniel."

Nate didn't answer. Of course he loved her. Past, present and future. Loved, loves, going to love. He couldn't see himself being with anyone else. But he couldn't see himself being with her either. Not now, she chose Dan. She had made it clear what she wanted.

"There's no use in trying to deny it. I know you. "Chuck just stated.

"I'm not going to try to deny anything. " He sighed.

"I do love her. I've loved her for God knows how long."

"I know. I saw the way you were looking at her when we were younger; it was the same way I looked at Blair."

Nate just nodded. They shared so much history the four of them. History that was somewhat painful, angsty, poetic and epic. Full of love.

"How did things get so screwed up?"

"When we let them, Nathaniel."

* * *

She gathered all her things. Threw everything on the bed and started finding her bags. Clearly she couldn't live here anymore. She was going back to Blair's, now that everyone knew she wasn't doing drugs she didn't have to hide in Brooklyn. Right now she would love to get the hell out of Brooklyn. And stay away for a while.

"Ready to go shopping? It's good therapy you know." Blair said.

"Sure." Serena answered without any excitement.

"Have you talked to him yet?"

"To who?" Serena didn't look up, she knew exactly who she meant.

"Nate of course."

Serena shook her head. She hadn't talked to him, last time she'd seen him he was so cold. So hurt. Hard, but still so vulnerable. She didn't know if she was redy to see him like that again. And she defently didn't know what to say to him.

"You have to do it at some point, S. I think he still doesn't know that Jenny and Juliet set you up. That changes everything."

"No, Blair. It doesn't change anything at all." She sighed. "Just leave it."

"Hey, Nate. Yeah, I'm fine. Okay. Serena wants to talk to you. Please, Nate… "

Blair tried to avoid the pillow Serena was throwing her way. "Good. My place at seven. And Nate, give her a chance."

"I said I'm not ready, B."

"Well, I say, rip the bandage."


	5. Time to get everything out

She was pacing back and forth in the living room. Didn't know how to relax, couldn't sit down for more than two minutes at the time. The clock was moving dangerously close to seven. She was so not ready for this, to face him again. The last time nearly broke her.

She sat down. The clock was past seven, five minutes past to be exact. For ten more minutes she just sat there in the chair staring into a blank wall. He wasn't coming, why had she believed he would come? It was stupid to think he still cared, that he still had time to listen to her. Time for her at all.

The clock was almost eight before she decided to give up. She wrapped a blanket around herself and headed towards the kitchen. She wanted to see if they had some ice cream or cookies. Something that could comfort her when he wouldn't…

But as she was a cross the floor from the living room coach she could hear the elevator. Someone was coming.

"Please don't be Blair."

She said it louder than she had intended and could see it in his face that he'd heard it. He had a little crooked smile, the smile she adored so much. She blushed. She never blushed. In the presence of him was the exception.

"Sorry I'm late." He said and sat down in the chair she'd been sitting in a few minutes earlier.

"Oh, it's okay. I hardly noticed the time…" She was such a bad liar.

"So…" He started.

"I guess Blair called me here for a reason."

He held his hands together, Serena noticed his every move. Looked closely at him all the time, took all of him in. Right now; beautiful was the only word to describe him. She blinked and tried to stay focused. She had to tell him everything.

"Yeah, you know Blair. There's a reason for everything she does." She laughed nervously.

"I know you think I was back in the dirt. Back to doing drugs and just rebel against everything. But I was set up, Nate. Juliet set me up, with good help from Jenny and Vanessa. I don't know what I've done to them, to deserve all of this. I really don't know." She sighed.

"They set me up; it's as simple as that. I didn't do it. Not the drugs and not the kissing part."

"I know." He said, without any explanation. Nothing more than those two words.

"You know?"

It caught her by surprise. She didn't think it was out for everyone to know. She knew Blair hadn't told him. And she couldn't imagine Juliet or Jenny confessing to him.

"Chuck told me."

Of course he did she thought to herself. Blair told Chuck everything even though they weren't together anymore. Or even if she hadn't told him, Bass would've found it out some other way.

"And you didn't call? You couldn't even send me a little text. Just to say sorry for not believing in me…To just tell me that you knew."

She was upset, he could see that much. He should've called the moment he found out. He was about to, but then he remembered where she would be when she picked up the phone. Where she was every day, which bed she slept in. Remembered the boy she slept in that bed with, the boy that had her in his arms, and most importantly that the boy wasn't him. And in that moment he hadn't had the strength to hear her voice, to see her, talk to her. He hadn't had the strength to do or say anything involving her.

"I guess I should have. But I figured you had Dan, and that he was all you needed. That my thoughts and my apology weren't important." He looked at her.

"But I'm truly sorry, Serena. I shouldn't have jumped to conclusions. I should have believed you and your story. I'm so sorry."

She was angry. How could he believe it wasn't important? It meant all to her, knowing what he thought of her, knowing that he was sorry.

"How can you say that? Believe that you are not important to me…" She was almost yelling at him.

"How, Serena? I can say that because you haven't shown me that you care for so long. I can say that because you broke up with me. I can say that because I told you that I miss you and asked for a second chance. And you turned around and chose another guy. Again!"

He was standing now. Right in front of her. She was still sitting, without moving a muscle. If she moved she would lose control and tears would be flowing. She didn't want that to happen. Show him just how much she cared, when he clearly was trying to stop caring at all.

"I can say that I'm not important to you because you cheated on me. With Dan! The same Dan you now live with. How is I'm supposed to deal with that? How am I supposed react? You tell me that, Serena"

"That's not fair… To say that I cheated, it was just a kiss. It didn't mean anything." She emphasized every word. To get it clear once and for all, it really didn't mean anything to her.

"Don't talk to me about fair, Serena! Just don't… And don't tell me it didn't mean anything. I've been you in a similar situation. I cheated on my girlfriend with _you._ That meant everything and you know it. It always means something."

She shook her head.

"That's not the same thing at all! You and me are different, you can't compare that night to the meaningless kiss with Dan. I know it meant everything, and I know that the thing with Dan didn't mean _anything_. I just turned to him because I was so mad at you. And I know that it's not an excuse. But one thing you have to believe is that the kiss didn't mean anything. Nothing."

They didn't say anything for several minutes. He just stood there trying to response and she just sat there hoping for some sort of reaction. He sat down again.

"But you chose Dan. This time you chose him…" it was painful to say out loud.

"I didn't choose Dan. Things just…I don't know how to put it. But I never chose Dan" She could see a little glimpse of hope and longing in his eyes. And he looked kind of surprised.

The next thing she was going to say she had thought about for many days. She had feared the moment she had to say those words out loud. Words she had to say even though she was risking losing him forever.

"But I didn't choose you either…" It was barely a whisper.

She looked up at him, the glimpse of hope she had seen in his eyes few seconds ago were completely vanished.

"I chose to not choose. You can say I kind of chose myself. I told you when we broke up that I had to focus on myself. To not make the same mistakes over and over. But I didn't do it, and I ended up doing even more mistakes. " She took a deep breath.

"Like hurting you again."

His blue eyes were locked with hers.

"I didn't mean to hurt you Nate."

"But in the end you always manage to find some way to do it. Over and over. I don't know why I ever believed that would change."

"I'm so sorry. You have no idea. I hate seeing you hurt, I hate the fact that I'm the cause of it. I hate it!" Her eyes were no longer dry.

He stood up and prepared to leave. He couldn't take any more.

"No! Please don't go. Please don't leave me her alone. Just please…Stay a while. "Her lips shivered while she tried to fight the tears that were still coming. It was a battle she couldn't win.

"Please Nate…"

She was about to get hysterical. And seeing her like this was worse than what she'd said. Worse than all the hurt she had ever caused him. He absolutely hated seeing her like this. So he sat down next to her and gently laid his arms around her, felt her relax in his arms.

"It's okay. Everything is going to be okay. I'm right here."


	6. Trying to let someone go

The clock was close to midnight. They'd been sitting there for a while, maybe for two hours, maybe three. He had gradually lost track of time. Serena was sleeping with her head gently placed on his shoulder. He held his arm softly around her and tried not to move much. He didn't want to wake her. He didn't want to break her. She was the most fragile thing he had ever held. She was the most precious to him.

He didn't close his own eyes, not for a second. He didn't want to sleep. This was his chance to have her close. To feel her skin against his. To hear and feel her small breaths against his shoulder. To have her wrapped up in his arms. This was maybe his last chance to feel her in a long time. And he didn't want to sleep through it, close his eyes so he couldn't see her.

She had been crying and somewhat yelling for almost half an hour before she really settled in his arms and started to relax. He'd just been trying to let her know that he was there for her, always would be. Nothing in the whole world could make him really let go of her. To not care for her and want her to be happy.

"Hey." Blair got out of the elevator and stopped in front of them. She studied them carefully and tried to look for signs. Had they made up? Was everything good between them now?

"Where have you been so late?" Nate whispered, still didn't want Serena to wake up.

"Oh, you know. Around…" She looked down."Thought you would be needing the privacy…"

Nate shook his head. "We're not back together."

"But I thought… She didn't choose Dan and…" He cut her off.

"She didn't choose me either. " He tried not to sound too hurt.

Blair looked confused. She'd been certain that was what Serena wanted, to be with Nate again. She thought she knew her best friend.

"She loves you, Nate. I know it. It's just like…"

"Like you love Chuck." It wasn't a question, but a statement.

"That's more complicated, Nathaniel."

"I think it's very simple. You love him, he loves you. Let the past be just that. The past."

"I could say the same for you two." She sighed and so did Nate.

"Serena made it clear tonight that she didn't choose me, she doesn't want to be with me and she doesn't love me."

"That's not true and you know it. I think Serena never will stop loving you. I think she just needs time." She went for the stairs.

"Don't give up on her, Nathaniel." And then she made her way upstairs and Nate was yet again alone with Serena and only the sounds of her breathing.

Don't give up on her. He was very close to doing exactly that. He couldn't take much more of this. Have her in little moments and then not have her at all. Couldn't take more of her letting him in and then turn around and shut him out the next second. They'd been so happy once, so carefree. Oh, how he wanted that again. He didn't know if it was even possible to have that back. They had something dark over them now, something heavy that wasn't there before. He was afraid he had broken her. She had certainly broken him at some extent. They had broken each other and what they shared. He sighed.

He missed her so much. He missed her laugh, her long legs wrapped up with his. That her perfume lingered all over his bedroom and that her toothbrush used to be standing next to his. Like a commitment, some sort of unbreakable pact. He missed the way she tasted and the way her eyes would light up when she saw him. He missed the way her hair would lay over his face and hide them from the rest of the world. He missed her small kisses and the small glances she would give him across the room. He missed all of her and it crushed his heart a little more for each day.

He gently put her in his arms and carried her up the stairs. Made his way to the bedroom she was staying in before. When they were together and he would be staying there to. He tried to be as silent as possible. Didn't want to wake her, she looked so peacefully. He laid her down at the bed and tucked her in.

He sat down next to her for a little while. Just took all of her in one last time that night. He pressed a kiss to her forehead and leaned down so his lips almost touched her hair.

"I love you." He whispered.

And as he closed the door, Serena's eyes shut open and a single tear made its way down her cheek.


	7. Seems like an eternal chase

"Good morning." Blair said when Serena came down for breakfast.

"Morning…" Serena answered, without the same joyfulness Blair had showed seconds before.

"What's wrong, Serena?"

"Nothing. It's nothing."

Blair raised an eyebrow. "You're talking to Blair Waldorf, I can't be fooled. Obviously something is bothering you. It's as obvious as the Humphreys coming from Brooklyn"

"Yeah, it is something. But I don't want to talk about it. "Serena poured herself a glass of juice and looked at Blair. "I'm fine, really."

"I've heard that before. I bet it has something to do with Nate. He looked rather sad when I came home last night. And you looked…_comfortable_." She smiled.

"He…We..." Serena didn't know what to say. She didn't know how to explain everything that had happened between them the night before. She had panicked when he was about to leave her. Fearing she would lose his love forever.

"He told me what you said to him, Serena. That you didn't choose him. You could tell he was hurt, but if it helps I don't think that boy can ever stop loving you."

_I love you. _His words still lingered in her mind. She had felt his breath in her hair, smelled his cologne, felt his lips against her skin. And heard him whisper I love you…

"It doesn't help" She said and left in a hurry. She needed to get out of there, to be alone.

"I really don't get her sometimes" Blair said to herself and shook her head.

* * *

"You can't catch me, Nate!"

Serena ran over the grass in a big hurry. Giggling and smiling. Her hair so beautiful in the sun. Not far behind her was Nate. His blue eyes fixating on the girl in front of him. He wouldn't miss her this time, this time he would catch her and never let go. That never happened.

"Serena. Please don't ruin that dress. It's vintage."You could hear Lily's voice in the background.

"The kids are so precious, Anne. " Eleanor said when the Captain turned the camera towards her.

"And I think both girls have a growing crush on your little Nathaniel."

The camera was no turned to a little brunette standing on the lawn, looking at the two blondes that now were tumbling around in the grass.

"I think you may be right" Lily said.

Again the camera turned to the two blondes in the grass. They were laughing and rolling around, only noticing each other.

"What are we watching?" Chuck was standing behind the coach staring at the TV, before Nate quickly turned it off.

"Nothing."

Chuck smirked. "That was not nothing. That was you at the age of six totally in love with the girl you still love."

Nate stared at the blank screen. That was exactly what it was. Later that day at the Hamptons he had told the six year old Serena that he loved her. He didn't know exactly what love was back then, but he knew that it had to be close to what he was feeling for the blonde girl. He knew it already then that he was to experience true love it had to be with _her_.

"You were always chasing her around. The whole thing was so obvious. You should've been more of a mystery. Like I was."

"It's ironic isn't it? How I've been chasing her this entire time. It will never end will it? She is almost impossible to catch and even harder to hold on to." He was talking to himself even though he knew Chuck could hear him.

"But isn't it worth it though? The chasing I mean? If it in the end means you could get everything you've dreamt about since you were only six"

"But she's always running! And it's starting to get really tiring and almost painful. "

"Someday she will stop running, Nathaniel. And then you'll be able to catch a breath. But until then you have to keep running and keep fighting. Don't give up. I never give up." And with that Chuck left his best friend.

_Don't give up. Don't give up on her._ He shook his head and turned the TV back on, to watch the whole thing one more time.

* * *

Serena was walking around campus trying to forget his words. _I love you_. I _love_ you. _You_. He had said it like he still was in love with her. It wasn't an "I love you as a friend". It was like I'm in love with you and I have been for a long time, even if you broke my heart.

Because that was the problem. She had broken him, broken them. She alone had ruined the best thing that had ever happened to her. And that scared her. That scared her more than anything else. Even more than being all alone.

"I'm going to get past this." She whispered to herself. "I'm going to leave him alone, it's best for him that keep a distance."

But then she looked up and could see him walking on the other side of campus. Perfectly tan, his hair casually as always and his big blue eyes. And she knew it would be impossible to leave him alone. To walk away from everything.


	8. Movies and more

"Hey" Serena said nervously. She was never nervous, but yet again he was the only exception.

"Hey" He echoed her and looked down at his shoes.

He didn't know exactly what to say to her because they hadn't talked since she went hysterical and feel asleep in his arms. He didn't know how to act around her now, she had told him she didn't want to be with him.

"I'm sorry for the whole… you know… What should I call it..?" She sighed.

"My breakdown" she finally said.

When all she wanted to say was how she'd heard his little whisper and that she loved him too. But that they can't be together, because she I so afraid of ruin them one more time. She knows she someday will ruin them for good. And that will be the end.

On one side she wanted to stay away from him and try to let them both finally move on to something else. But on the other side she can't resist talking to him, being around him. They lost each other after her return from boarding school and later she realized how much that had affected her. She didn't want to be without him in her life again. They could still be good friends.

"I'm sorry too, for kind of causing that breakdown. And the whole thing with you sleeping in my arms was kind of nice…"

He regretted the last thing the minute he said it. He didn't know how she would take it. To his surprise she just smiled at him.

"Yes, it was…Even though I was sleeping..I…" She didn't know how to express it.

"Thank you for getting me to bed." She blushed and lokked down at the ground.

"Oh…No problem." He said, without knowing what Serena was thinking of in that moment. He had no idea about her hearing his little confession.

"You going to practice?"

He nodded.

"I'll walk you." She smiled and took his arm.

* * *

The phone started to ring as soon as he was back at the Empire.

"Hello."

"Hey man. "

It was Dan. They hadn't really talked since the day at the hospital. Nate had been ignoring him.

"What you been doing?"

"You know, same as always really. School and Lacrosse. "

Dan didn't say anything.

"Eh…You still there?"

"Yeah… Have you seen Serena lately?" Dan said it so fast Nate barely understood a word.

"Come again"

"I asked if you've seen Serena lately."

"Oh"

Nate went back and forth in the apartment. He wondered where Dan was going with this.

"I've talked to her. She told me who she chose at the party."

Now it was Dan's turn to start walking around.

"So you two are back together now?"

"No. I never said she chose me. She didn't choose either of us. Apparently she needs to be alone." Nate sat down in the coach.

"Oh, I see…She's a piece of work that girl. I guess it's probably for the best. That you and I take a pause from the whole Serena thing…We're still friends?"

Nate didn't answer, because Serena was now standing in the doorway.

"Nate?"

"Yeah, of course we are friends…But I have to go. Talk to you later."

"Okay. See you." Dan said, but no one was listening.

"What are you doing here?" Nate asked and turned all his attention to the girl smiling at him.

"I brought a movie and some snacks. I thought we could have a movie night." Her big smile got even bigger.

"Like old times"

Nate smiled back at her, he couldn't help it. She was so damn beautiful.

"What movie is it?"

"Does it really matter, Nate?" She asked teasingly.

It really didn't.

* * *

"Are you crying?" She asked and looked at him.

"No." Nate answered and halfway turned his face away from her.

"You totally are. I think it's really cute." She meant every word; it was so cute to see him cry over a girly movie.

"It's just so sad. He loves her and she doesn't know… And then she dies… And they were so meant for each other…"

Like we are. He doesn't say it, but he wants to so bad.

Suddenly Serena moved closer and took his hand.

"I know." She said.

Nothing more than those two words and he's left wondering what she knows. He doesn't ask. He's too busy trying to stop himself from taking her beautiful face in his hands and kiss those perfect lips…

The tension between them is undeniable. And when her fingers touch his, she has a flashback to the two of them sitting like this in her hotel room. Her hand over his, a brief touch. And so many unspoken feelings. It was too much then, and it's too much now.

So she quickly took away her hand and went up from where she was sitting.

"I have to go."

* * *

The next day they don't speak about the way the night ended. When he came to school she was standing outside his classroom and handed him a coffee. They spend the whole day together. And the next day and the one after that.

For several weeks they see each other every day. Some days they are alone all day, just the two of them in their own little bubble.

Every day when he gets to school she's standing there with two coffees in her hands.

Every Friday they watch movies, sometimes she rests her head on his shoulder.

Those are the best nights.

They do everything together, she even takes him shopping.

She doesn't miss one of his games and his starting to feel like they spend more time together now than when they were actually a couple.

* * *

"I've made popcorn." She yelled from the kitchen when he came inside the Waldorf apartment.

It was Friday.

"We can watch it in my room." She said and came out in the smallest PJ's he has ever seen. It was not fair.

"Okay…" He said and his eyes were physically hurting from the sight of her. It was awful to see her long legs and bare skin, when he wasn't able to touch her.

They sat down in her bed and he pressed play. After that he can't concentrate on the movie at all, even though he loves that film. She was pressed against his side and his knuckles were turning white because he had pushed his hands so hard together.

"This movie is good." She said when it was finally over. She laid her head gently against his shoulder.

"Yeah, it's great…"

She looked up at him.

"That was…"

He cut her off with a kiss. He felt how surprised she was, but she didn't pull back.

Not at first anyway.

"Don't do that, Nate. Don't ruin it..."


	9. I found only one way in and no way out

"What?"

"Don't ruin this." She said and looked at him with begging eyes.

"Ruin what Serena? What is _this_?" He was so frustrated.

"It's…" She started

"It's us being friends…" Her lips were trembling.

"You said you needed time alone, focus on yourself. I was willing to give you all the time you needed, because I wanted to hold on to any hope of us getting back together. Back to what we once were." He took a breath.

"But then you don't take that time, you and I have spent more time together the past weeks than we did the whole time were together. What's up with that?"

He didn't give her time to answer.

"What should I believe? It felt like we were going somewhere. It felt like you may feel something for me. Like I feel so much for you…" He stopped, didn't want to say too much. But he had gone so long saying not enough.

"I do feel something for you. Of course I do…But…" She was crying now.

He looked at her intensely.

"But what, Serena! There's always a but with you, always something you can't explain or won't explain"

He was standing in front of her throwing his arms up in the air.

"I just wanted to be your friend. I wanted us to be like we were when we were younger. Before we grew up and everything got messy. Before everything got so serious. Before you loved me and I broke your heart…"

She had been holding that last thing in for so long. A part of her wished he had never loved her. She looked up at him; he looked even more hurt now.

"Nate…"

"You forget something, Serena. Something very important. I loved you then too. I loved you before. I loved you before we grew up and things got serious. I loved you before I even knew what love was. "

He sighed.

"And you broke my heart long before you kissed Dan last spring. You broke it when you left and I didn't see you for a whole year. You broke it again when you came back…" _I didn't come back for you._

"But it doesn't matter. Because I would let you break it over and over if it meant you would let me love you and you would love me back. That if it in the end would be whole again…"

"And you Serena are the only one who can break my heart, but also the only one who can fix it…"

Her tears wouldn't stop coming. She loved him so much, but all the things he was saying were just too much. She felt like she couldn't breathe. How had it come to this? How could she let things come to this point? It was all her fault, like it usually was. And that was the reason she couldn't be with him, he was _too_ much. They were _too_ important. Being with him had felt like _forever_ and she didn't know what to do with that feeling. Because eventually she would do something that would make him turn his back on her forever and at some point she would ruin them forever. She wouldn't be able to live with that version of forever. The answer was to just be his friend. To be in his life and have him in hers. But they couldn't be breakable, because then she would break them.

"I shouldn't have let you love me. It was selfish, I wanted you so bad and I should never have let myself have you. From the beginning you weren't mine to take, but stupid, selfish me couldn't let you be."

"Don't come with that bullshit now! I was never Blair's; she never had my heart, that part of me. It has always been yours, and I know that you deep down know that too. You have always known what I've felt for you. Even when I didn't say it."

"Nate…Please…Please don't do this." She pleaded.

Her eyes were red from all the crying and even though he was mad of her now he wanted to take her in his arms and comfort her. He wanted to be able to tell her that everything was going to be okay, but at this point he couldn't. Because he wasn't sure everything would turn out okay. He felt like he was punching an unbreakable wall, like he was running in a circle that never ended. He felt like it no longer mattered what he said, didn't know how he could get her to listen to him.

"I can't just be your friend, Serena. It's just too damn hard. I've tried it before and it tore me up from the inside out." He sighed

"I just can't…"

"But I can't lose you… Please…"

She stood up from where she had been sitting the whole time. She felt her knees shake and sat back down to stay in control of her body. She had to control something.

"When I kissed you tonight you kissed me back! You wanted it just as much as I did. Why can't you admit that! And admit that you actually want to be with me…"

He was almost yelling at her, he had never been this frustrated.

"Yes"

"Yes, I wanted to kiss you. I always want to kiss you. I always _want_ you. But I have never deserved to have you" She took a deep breath.

"That's the problem, Nate."

"But it's not really a problem. Because I'm standing here and telling you that I want to be with you… I don't understand how you can say that you don't deserve me…I just don't understand any of this."

She saw his frustration. His hurt and disappointment. She wanted to tell him everything he wanted to hear right now. But she couldn't bring herself to do it.

"Can't you just let us _be_. Let us take things as they come."

Nate was begging her to give it a chance.

"I…"

She wasn't able to get a word out, just small sobs.

Her silence made him even madder.

"You always run and I always chase you. "

"I'm done."

She didn't say anything just watched him walk out. Her tears streaming down.

When he closed the door she took her pillows and threw them hard to the floor

"I love you!" She yelled. "I love you so damn much!"

Even though she knew he would be long gone now and that she was too late.


	10. A perfect fit

**A/N: I know it's really short, but I still have exmas so I don't have much time. Hope you will like it anyway :D Would love reviews!**

* * *

He shut the door behind him and took a deep breath. He leaned his head to the door and rested it there for a while. Had he given up to soon? Maybe he shouldn't have said he was done. Because it didn't feel like he was done, it still felt like it always did. That he was completely in love with Serena Van der Woodsen.

"I love you!"

"I love you so damn much!"

He couldn't believe what he was hearing. He quickly threw the door open and looked at her with surprise.

She stared back, just as surprised as him.

"You're still here…" She whispered.

He didn't let her say anything else, he walked quickly towards her. He took her face in his hands and kissed her. And this time he wasn't about to let her pull back. He wouldn't let her run this time.

She kissed him back. With just as much force and eager.

Eventually they pulled back and just stood still and stared into each other eyes.

She rested her forehead on his and took a deep breath.

"Are we really going to do this?" She whispered, scared he would take it the wrong way.

"Us…"

He stroke her cheek and kissed her forehead.

"You bet we are."

And then he didn't say anything else just kissed his way down her neck and collarbone. Then he grabbed hold of her t-shirt and gently removed it from her body (It was the only thing she was wearing).

Seconds later she did the same with his shirt.

"Nate…Maybe…My bed…" she halfway moaned when he kissed his way down her shoulder and her breasts.

"Mm…"

He grabbed hold of her and lifted her from the ground.

"Nate!" She squealed.

He laid her down at the silky sheets and gently placed himself on top of her. Before he started kissing her again he had to take all of her in. It was almost painful to watch her. He realiesed just how much he had missed her.

"You are so beautiful it hurts" He kissed her nose and she giggled.

But suddenly her expression was much more serious.

"I'm scared, Nate…"

Those words surprised him and he looked at her with concern.

"I'm scared I'm going to ruin us again. I'm scared this is all a dream and I'm scared you won't be here when I wake up in the morning…"

A single tear made its way down her cheek. He wiped it away immediately.

"You not trying to ruin us were the thing that was starting to ruin us. And this feels like a dream, but I assure you it's not."

"See"

He pinched his own arm and she had to laugh.

"And I promise you, Serena, I'm not going anywhere…"

She lifted her head up a little and cut him off with a bruising kiss.

He pressed his lips against her, gently and hungrily all at once. He let his tongue sweep between her lips. He had wanted this for so long.

Their legs got all tangled up and Nate moved his hands lightly across her stomach. He moved his hands upwards and whispered her name against her neck while he kissed her skin.

"Nate" It was only a breath.

It felt so good to have him touch her again, tracing kisses all over her skin.

His hands found hers and he held her wrists lightly, pinning her down. She shivered beneath him when his lips started to drop lower again, his lips moved between her breasts...

"You taste so good…" He groaned.

He pulled her shorts down her legs while she tried to unzip his pants.

They were looking at each other like there was no one else in the world. The look in his eyes in that moment almost made her cry.

Then his hands drifted right between her legs and she made a little sound, very close to a sigh. The sound that he was the cause of almost makes him lose it.

"_Nate_..." Her hands was clutching at his back. She breathed heavily and was nipping at his lips.

He needed her and she needed him just as much.

She wrapped him up in her, her arms around his neck and her legs tightly around his waist. Eventually she slipped a hand between their bodies to guide him.

And then everything was gone for a moment.

She took a deep breath while he watched her. He was still stunned by how perfectly their bodies fitted together.

They were a perfect fit in any aspect of life.

"Serena…" he moaned as her hips bucked against his

She kissed him franticly and swallowed his quiet screams.

He breathed heavily between their kisses and she was clenching around him as he went deeper into her with every thrust.

She came with his name on her lips and he followed her seconds later.

She was gasping for air while she buried her face against his neck.

"You okay?" He whispered.

She nodded.

"Never been better"

She said when he tenderly kissed her cheek.

She made a contended little sound and cuddled up against him tiredly.

"I love you so much."

He whispered in her ear when she fell asleep, happier than she had been in a long _long_ time.


	11. What's for breakfast?

As the sunlight hit her face she kept her eyes closed a little bit longer. Just breathed in some air and took in all that had happened the night before. If it really had happened at all? It kind of felt like a dream. An unbelievable dream she never wanted to wake from. She touched her lips. It was defiantly not a dream. She could still feel his lips on hers. She smiled to herself and slowly opened her eyes to see him.

He wasn't there.

She turned around and laid her arm on the place he'd been laying.

She had feared this was going to happen. Everything was all right yesterday and he had been all in and then he had gotten some time to think and decided that it was a mistake. That she wasn't enough or that she was going to hurt him again…

Then she heard noises from the bathroom and hit herself in the forehead. She had to laugh at herself for jumping to conclusions. Because out from the bathroom came Nate in all his naked glory…

"I thought you left." She told him in all seriousness.

He smiled.

"I told you I would be here when you woke up."

He sat down at the bed and kissed her lips lightly.

"Don't you trust me?"

She smiled and nodded.

"Of course I trust you…" She touched his chest.

"… And I love you." She added.

"I love you too" he said and rubbed his nose against hers.

He sighed.

"Last night was amazing by the way." He said.

"Last night? Did something special happen that I don't remember?" She smiled teasingly.

"You know how to treat a guy, Van der Woodsen."

"I think I just need a little reminder… And it will all come back to m…"

He cut her off with a bruising kiss and rolled her over on her back before she could finish the sentence.

* * *

"You want some breakfast?" She asked while she rested her head on his chest.

He kissed the top of her head.

"I want furniture breaking breakfast" He teased.

She laughed.

"In the Waldorf apartment?"

He smiled.

"It's not like we haven't done it before…"

She hit him lightly. "Nate!"

"With Blair in the apartment?"

"Good point" He said and kissed her again.

"I am hungry though"

"Breakfast it is then." She said.

"Family-friendly breakfast"

She quickly added when she saw his boyish smile.

"And go put some clothes on…!"

* * *

"You're so sexy making me breakfast" She laughed.

"I knew I would get to you eventually…" He said and gave her a kiss.

She shook her head and laughed.

"I can't help it… You're just so damn sexy, Archibald"

She stood up from the table and slowly made her way to him. Gently placed her arms around his waist and kissed him.

"I'm suddenly not that hungry…"

He smiled at her words.

"Oh God! Not again!"

Blair squealed when she came into the kitchen.

"Oh, sorry!"

The two blondes said at the same time.

Blair covered her eyes in a dramatic way.

"Aren't you happy to see us together, B?" Serena asked.

"Of course I am. But I don't want to see all of you… "

She sat down.

"Have you two seen Dorota?"

Nate shook his head and Serena shrugged her shoulders.

A moment later Dorota came sprinting in to the kitchen.

"Mr Dan is in the hall"


	12. Not really sorry

"What is Dan freakin' Humphrey doing here?" Blair said and rolled her eyes.

Serena looked at Nate nervously.

He gave her a smile in return.

She sighed.

"He says he is here to see Miss Serena." Dorota said and Blair stood up from where she was sitting.

"Well if he wants to see Serena…No problem." She took Serena's hand.

"B, maybe it's not such a good idea for me to see him now… I mean, after all that's happened"

Serena was biting her lip, she hadn't seen Dan since she moved out from the loft, and she didn't really want that to change now.

"Even more reason to see him."

Blair turned around and looked at Nate.

"You're coming to, Archibald"

Nate sighed overdramatically.

Blair sent him a look he knew too well, and he had no choice but to follow the two girls out in the hall.

* * *

"Well hello there."

Blair said and looked at Dan.

Dan didn't look at Blair at all. He was only looking at his ex-girlfriend in her ex-boyfriend's shirt. _Only_ her ex-boyfriend's shirt. And right after her came Nate. He really wasn't expecting this.

"I just wanted to talk to Serena…"

Dan felt uncomfortable.

"I didn't think you two were speaking..."

He looked from Serena to Nate.

"That's the impression you gave me, Nate"

Nate looked to the ground.

"Sorry, man...But…"

Blair interrupted him.

"That's not really any of your business, now is it, Humphrey?"

"Blair."

Serena said and looked at her best friend.

"I'll leave you two to it then"

Blair turned around and walked back towards the kitchen.

"Nate, if you don't mind…"

She sighed.

"I think me and Dan should talk alone."

Nate just nodded and walked away. Clearly not happy with the whole situation and it gave Serena a bad feeling in her stomach. _Fear_. Fear of losing him again. In that moment she really understood how important he was to her. And all she really wanted to do was to walk after him and throw her arms around him. To whisper I love you in his ear. And never ever let go of him.

Instead she turned to speak to Dan.

"I guess we should talk then" She said and went for the coach.

Dan followed her, but he didn't sit down next to her.

"So…"

He started, didn't quite know how to continue.

"I thought you didn't choose either of us…"

He knew it sounded childish, but it bothered him.

"I'm sorry, Dan. " She took a deep breath.

"Or I'm not really sorry. I love Nate. And I can't be sorry for that. It's just what it is."

"You kissed me last spring. You kissed me and a kiss always means something. It must have meant something to you… Anything… Because it meant so much to me."

Serena looked to the ground. Didn't know how to put her feelings to words.

"I'm not saying this to be mean. I'm not saying this because I don't love you. Because I do love you, but not in the way you want me to, need me to…"

"The kiss didn't mean anything to me. I was just mad at Nate, and you were there. You comforted me and in a weak moment, one of the weakest in my life, I kissed you. I did like I've done many times before. I let the fear of being alone take over; I pushed away someone that I loved just because he didn't see things exactly like I did. But I see now that Nate only did what he did out of love…"

She played with her hair and avoided eye contact with him. She felt kind of embarrassed.

"I feel like you've been playing with me. Not only now, but ever since I met you. Ever since we started dating. I was just the toy you were playing with while Blair had you favorite toy. When that became available, you we're done with me…"

"How can you say that? Do you really think our relationship didn't mean anything to me? If you really feel that way, you clearly don't know me at all. I loved you; I was in love with you. But we weren't meant to be. We weren't supposed to be together, and so many things showed us that…"

Dan just shook his head in silence.

Serena sat there and waited for him to speak. She had said all she wanted to say, needed to say to him. So he could move on. She really wanted him to move on, be happy. Without her.

"I was always your second choice, weren't I?"

She didn't answer. She wanted to say no, but knew if she did she would be lying.

She knew he saw her doubt, she could see he deep down knew the answer to his own question and that he had only said it out loud as a last hope. That he had hoped she would tell him it wasn't the case. That he was her first choice, but their family and all other drama had come in their way. That it wasn't the fact that she loved Nate. That she'd always loved Nate.

"I'm gonna go."

He gave her one last look.

"Take care, Dan"

She said and hoped he soon would be okay with all of this. She still wanted him in her life. And even though he didn't want her in his at the moment, they really didn't have much choice, with their families and everything.

* * *

"What do you think they're talking about?" Nate asked Blair.

Blair shrugged her shoulders.

"I don't know. Something with him loving her and him wanting her back… And blah, blah, blah…"

"Blah, blah, bla? Is that going to make me feel better?"

Nate shook his head and sighed.

"I didn't know I had to make you feel better… Are you really worried about this? Are you jealous cause she's talking to Brooklyn boy in there?"

Blair hid a little smile.

"No.. Of course not…"

Nate tried to smile.

"You're such a bad liar"

"Nate, listen to me. I know Serena better than anyone. And there's no doubt in my heart, she loves you. Only you. And nothing is ever going to change that. It has always been you two; I think I've known it since I was six."

She smiled.

"It only took me a while to accept it"

Nate had to smile too then.

"And me some time to realize it… Thanks, Blair"

He gave her a hug and kissed the top of her head.

"Talked to Chuck lately?"

She gave him an irritated look and shook her head.

"I don't want to talk about it"

"But you love him"

"Yes, I do love him. But it's complicated"

Nate hugged her again.

"You can try to make it simple."

She slowly nodded and turned around. Serena was entering the kitchen.

"How did it go?" Blair asked.

"I managed to hurt him even more than I already had" She sighed and went over to hug Nate.

"Good" Blair simply said and left the two blondes alone.

"I'm a horrible person"

Serena stated and rested her head on Nate's chest.

"No, you're not, Serena. I'm sure you didn't mean to hurt him in any way. Things just happen and sometimes people make mistakes."

He kissed her forehead.

"I'm not perfect and you're not perfect. But I don't want you any other way. I want your flaws just as much as the rest. Because they define you. And I happen to love you…"

He stroke her back.

She kissed him and looked him in the eyes.

"I think that speech earned you a-not-so-family-friendly breakfast"


	13. Memories

"You've kept all of this?"

Nate looked at her.

Serena was holding a bunch of boxes in her arms. All contained pictures and other things from their whole childhood.

"Of course. Why wouldn't I?"

He shrugged his shoulders, didn't have an answer to that one.

"This is our childhood, Nate, these boxes."

He opened one of the boxes that were standing on her bed.

"It's just things…" He mumbled.

"_Just _things?" She said and took out a pink teddy bear.

"This is not just a thing to me."

She squeezed the bear.

"You remember this?"

He laughed. Of course he remembered.

_"I want that one!" Serena screamed._

_"I really, really want it… It's so cute. Can you please get it to me, Natie?"_

_She gave him the look he'd never been able to resist in his twelve years of living._

_He took his hand to his pocket. He was soon out of money and he really wanted to ride that big carousel. He looked at Serena again. He wouldn't be able to resist that look today either._

_"I'll give it my best try" He said and paid the man._

_"You get three shots, kid." The old man said._

_Nate took the three balls and tried to concentrate._

_"I think you can do it" Serena whispered in his ear. And there went the concentration._

_He missed the first shot._

_He sighed._

_He missed the second._

_He took a deep breath._

_After what felt like an eternity to Nate, the ball went through the clown's mouth and Serena squealed with joy._

_"I want the pink bear" Nate said, full of proud._

_He carefully handed Serena the bear._

_She smiled at him and slowly she leaned in closer to him. He could feel her breath inches from his own mouth. He could feel his heart skip a beat._

_Then she kissed him._

_Their very first kiss._

"How could I forget? That bear gave me a kiss from Serena Van der Woodsen."

She giggled and laid her arms around his neck.

"You want one more?" She smiled.

He laughed.

"You bet I do."

She kissed him fiercely and jumped up to have her legs around his waist.

He started to kiss his way down her neck. Stopped at the spot he knew drove her wild. Then he quickly pushed her down on the bed with such force the boxes went in all directions.

"Sorry…"

He whispered and she had to laugh.

"We don't need all of that right now…"

* * *

"Look at us"

Nate held up a picture in front of Serena.

She was halfway sitting on his lap, while she tried to pick up some of the pictures that now were all around the floor.

"Oh…We look so happy."

She smiled and kissed his cheek.

The picture showed four little kids. Two brunettes and two blondes. They were all holding hands, everyone with a big smile.

"We were so happy back then. When everything was so simple..." Serena sighed.

Nate nodded.

"Before we grew up and life became…well, life."

"You think we can ever be like that again?"

She asked him in all seriousness.

"Happy? "

He looked at her.

"Because I'm happy right now; being with you…" He said and held her tight.

"No, not just happy, I'm happy too. I meant be us four. Us four happy together. You and me, and Blair and Chuck. "

He could see this meant a lot to her.

"I tried to ask Blair about Chuck the other day. She told me she loves him, but that we already knew."

Serena nodded slowly.

"Yeah, she just keep saying it's complicated and that she don't want to talk about it. I do understand it though, he really hurt her. And not just once. But you and I were complicated too and we made it back."

She took a breath.

"And I hurt you many times, but we're still sitting here now. Because you were able to forgive me…"

"And I love you for that" She added.

"I had to forgive you at some point" He said.

"I just can't be without you. I can't be happy without you. I can't _exist_ without you."

He kissed the top of her head.

"I feel the same way…"

She said and kissed his lips.

"I think that's exactly how Blair and Chuck feel it too. They're not whole without each other. If they only could put their differences aside and try to speak about it all. Try to forgive and forget"

She looked like she was doing some serious thinking.

"I think we have to do some scheming, baby."

She told him and put a finger to her lips.

"Perhaps…No…Bad idea."

He looked at her and tried not to laugh.

"But how about..? No, that wouldn't work"

"Serena…"

He stroke her arm.

"Blair and Chuck are the schemers in this little foursome. We've tried it before and failed each time"

She had to laugh, he was absolutely right.

"Maybe just talk to them then?" She asked.

"Good idea, sweetie. Just talk."

He answered and kissed her nose.

* * *

"Hello, beautiful."

Serena almost screamed as Blair came out of the elevator.

"You're in a good mood"

Blair had to laugh at the blonde, who was practically jumping up and down.

"I'm just very happy, nothing wrong with that."

Serena smiled.

"I guess that has something to do with Nathanial. Who told you to be with him?"

Blair said and sat down.

"You did. And I love you for it, B. He makes my life complete"

Serena sat down beside her.

"Don't you want to be happy, Blair?"

Blair looked at her.

"Of course…"

"I am happy"

She quickly added, not fooling anyone, not even herself.

"No, you're not. I don't think you can be happy before you forgive Chuck and you two make up."

Blair looked down at her own hands as her phone beeped.

She took it up and read the last Gossip girl blast. Mostly just to avoid what Serena was saying.

"Oh, this isn't good" She said.

"What is it, B? What's wrong?"

Serena took her best friends hand.

"Jenny Humphrey is back in town"


	14. The bitch is back

Serena's heart was racing; her minds were all over the place. Small flashes came back to her. How she had woken up in a motel room not able to remember anything about how she got there or what had happened to her. Almost everyone had believed she had taken an overdose on purpose. Jenny Humphrey had been in on the whole thing. She hadn't been the one to drug her, but she had wanted to hurt her. Just like she had tried to steal her boyfriend, to steal Nate.

"God..."

It was all Serena said.

"That girl always brings problems with her. Those horrible extensions are filled with pure evil!"

Blair stood up.

"I can't believe she dares to come back her. After all she's done, after sleeping with Chuck, trying to steal Nate, sent that picture of you and Dan and then team up with Juliet to take you down"

Serena nodded in agreement. Sometimes she thought Blair were overdramatic, and took things too far. But "banning" Jenny from Manhattan was in her opinion not one of those things. She was glad she didn't have to see her lying face and to not have to deal with her so called sister.

"Remember how she was when we first met her? So sweet and innocent… Do you think we turned her into…well, into a monster..?"

Serena asked her best friend.

Blair made a little sound and shook her head.

"Everything she's done has been her own fault. We've not made her do anything. And she wasn't so sweet and innocent; she was a girl desperate to be something else, to rise from Brooklyn. She was desperate to be like you and me. And she did whatever she had to to get there, to be someone. And a part of me gets it. But I would never do some of those horrible things. She even turned on Dan and Eric. She's not worth our time and attention"

Blair said and sat down next to Serena again.

"Don't worry, S. She'll never hurt you again. I'll make sure of it. And she will never be able to take Nate from you. Never."

Serena smiled.

"I'm not worried."

She said, even though she had a bad feeling about all of it.

* * *

"Come here"

Nate said and opened his arms. Serena wasn't hard to ask and ran into his arms and laid her head on his chest. She rested it there for a while without saying anything.

"You okay, Serena?"

Nate asked and stroke her hair.

"You haven't seen it?"

"Seen what?"

"Jenny's back."

She stood back to see his face.

"Oh"

He said.

"I didn't think she would come back after what she did to you. She's got some nerve."

He looked mad. Serena was glad it was anger she saw in his eyes. And not happiness or excitement. She was a little jealous. She knew Jenny and Nate had history. And they had started something together long ago, that never really got a real ending. And she really hoped Nate didn't still feel something for Jenny. She knew she was stupid for even thinking about it, Nate really loved her. He had showed it many times.

She smiled at him.

"Let's not think about her. I've missed you today, Natie…"

Nate kissed her temple.

"I love you"

He said and kissed her.

"I know"

She smiled

"I love you too, you sweet, _sweet _boy."

He laughed.

"You want to show me just how much?" He teased.

"I think we should go upstairs, Archibald"

She whispered in his ear and kissed him.

* * *

The elevator opened and she went out in her mother's apartment. The place she once lived herself.

"Hey, Serena" Jenny was sitting on the coach.

"I don't want to talk to you. I'm just here to see my mom…"

"I just want to apologize for what I did to you. I didn't know that Juliet was going to go total crazy bitch and drug you. But I'm really sorry for my involvement."

"I don't want an apology from you. I don't want to listen to anything coming from your mouth. "

Serena saw that something was changing in Jenny's eyes and the claws were out now.

"I heard you and Nate are back together."

Serena turned away from her.

"You remember that little picture of you and Dan I sent to Gossip girl? You know who was sleeping in your boyfriend's bed while you were sleeping in my brothers? "

Jenny smiled.

"Me"

"And I have to add that he was in the bed with me."

She emphasized every word.

Serena turned to look at her again. Jenny smiled in triumph.

"I guess you two didn't talk about everything before you got back together. That's a mistake"

"I don't believe you, Jenny. I trust Nate. You're just full of it… And you're not worth my time or attention."

"Believe what you want, Serena. Just ask him. We both know Nate is an awful liar."


	15. Shattered

"What's your problem, Jenny? Do you feed on people's misery? Do you enjoy seeing other people hurt?"

Serena was trying to stay totally calm.

"My problem? You are so full of yourself, Serena. You think you can walk around saying whatever you want and do whatever you please, without any consequences. Just because your last name is Van der Woodsen."

Jenny crossed her arms and sent Serena a hateful look.

"What have I done to you, Jenny? Yeah, we've had some small fights, but I don't feel like I've done something to you that justify you trying to steal my boyfriend and drugging me with some crazy woman."

Jenny rolled her eyes.

"Sweet innocent Serena. You've never seen me as an equal, you've always treated me like a child. But it's not what you've done to me specifically. It's your whole attitude. "

She took a breath before she continued.

"And you've done some messed up things to other people. You kissed Dan while you were with Nate and he was with Vanessa, your so called friend. You slept with your best friend's boyfriend. You had an affair with a married man. You freakin' killed a guy. Shall I continue?"

Serena didn't say anything.

"And that's not the worst part. The fact that you think that all the things you do is okay just because you are who you are. That you think you can stomp all over people with your Jimmy Choos, that's what provokes me. That and your cute little smile that always seems get you out of trouble…"

" I don't even know why I bother to talk to you Jenny. I know those things I did was wrong. I felt so bad afterwards, but I have apologized for every single one. And people have chosen to forgive me, and I'm so grateful for that."

Serena went towards the elevator.

"I know I'm not the best person, but I'm really trying to do better. I don't see you doing the same. "

Jenny took two steps towards her.

"You don't deserve Nate."

"Maybe I don't. But neither do you. And Nate loves me and I think I make him happy, and him being happy is the most important thing to me."

Jenny rolled her eyes again.

"Just ask him about the bed, Serena."

She smiled.

Serena didn't answer just pushed the button and got in the elevator. Finally inside she took a deep breath. She tried to breathe normally while she in her head replayed what Jenny had said. _You know who was sleeping in your boyfriend's bed while you were sleeping in my brothers? ". ME. _

She didn't know what to believe. Of course she would talk to Nate before jumping to any conclusions. Jenny was absolutely capable of lying just to hurt her. And she didn't think Nate would do that to her. But it was a nagging feeling. And she had been in another boy's bed, even though she loved Nate, and him only. So maybe he was capable of doing the same to her?

* * *

Her phone started to ring immediately after she was back in the apartment. It was Nate. She didn't know what to say to him. She couldn't take it all on the phone. She took a breath and tried to smile.

"Hey"

"Hey babe. Where are you?"

"I'm at the apartment…"

She paused and started to count in her head. Just to keep her from blurting out what Jenny had said earlier. She really didn't want to talk to him about it like that. She needed to see his face, make it clear to him that she wasn't accusing him or anything. She needed to see his reaction and go from there.

"I was wondering if you would let me take you out today? Maybe a fancy dinner or the movies?"

She didn't answer.

"Or both..?"

Still no answer.

"Serena? Are you there?"

". I have a terrible headache, Nate. I thought we maybe could just stay in tonight, if it's okay with you? "

She hated lying to him, even though it wasn't about something huge.

"Of course. Love you"

"Love you too"

That was the truth. She loved him so much, it was almost painful. That was why she was so afraid of what Jenny had said. The possibility of it being true. Even though she had done something equally bad to him.

* * *

"There you are. Are you feeling better?"

He kissed her forehead and sat down beside her.

Serena slowly nodded.

"I talked to Jenny today"

She couldn't hold it in any longer, pretend that everything was okay.

"Okay."

Nate eyes were narrowed.

"She told me something. Something about that night…That night my father left."

She stopped and looked at him. His eyes gave her no answers.

"She told me she spent the night in the suite. In your bed. With you in it…"

She breathed slowly and closed her eyes.

Nate was silent.

"It's not true is it?"

Her eyes were still closed. She slowly opened them and looked at him. His eyes now gave her the answer.

"Oh my God. It is true…"

"Serena… I'm so sorry for not telling you. It was nothing. She slept on one side and I on the other. It was totally innocent."

She was prepared for this, and she had told herself that it wasn't a big deal. But it hit her hard. Real him and hearing him admit it. That another girl had spent the night in his bed. She felt tears coming; she didn't bother to try to stop them.

"Can you please say something, Serena? Anything"

He took her hand.

"You cared for her. You kissed her. Twice. You two shared something that never really got an ending…"

She wiped away some tears.

"What are you talking about? I don't feel anything for Jenny."

He emphasized every little word.

"She was in your bed!"

"I know I should have told you. But I didn't feel it was important, because it didn't mean anything. And then everything else happened. You and Dan had kissed; you broke up with me…"

He sighed.

"I know why you bring up the kiss. I know you mean I have no right to be mad, because I did something worse… But it still hurts Nate… It really hurts."

She was crying. He tried to comfort her, but she pushed him away.

"And you made me feel so guilty for the kiss, while you knew you had spent the night with a girl that clearly was in love with you, and that you had felt somethig for once upon a time. How should I feel about that?"

She stood up and crossed her arms. Still with tears down her face.

"I don't know what to say… I can only tell me what you told me about that kiss. It didn't mean anything. And absolutely nothing happened that night. Not even a small hug."

He was now standing next to her.

"If it didn't mean anything, why couldn't you tell me it straight away? Do you know how humiliating and hurtful it was to hear it from _her_?"

He slowly went towards her and carefully touched her arms.

"I'm so sorry"

He whispered and wiped away a tear from her cheek.

"Can we please put all of this behind us now?"

She pulled away from him.

"I can't do this right now…"

She whispered and stormed out of the room.

"Serena! Serena!"


	16. Love hurts

**A/N: I hope this is not too confusing... I wanted to try something new. So I'm starting with something that actually happens later on..Hope you like it! And please review, that's what keeps me going! :D**

"You! You don't get to be here!"

Serena stood up from where she was sitting and went towards Jenny.

"Someone get her the hell out of here!"

She started crying and sat back down.

"I don't deserve to be her either…"

She whispered.

Blair grabbed her hand and squeezed it tightly

"Don't say that, S. You have every right to be here. Don't blame yourself; this was not your fault."

* * *

**3 hours earlier:**

He froze. He just stood there and watched her run away again. Finally he went after, but when he came downstairs she was already gone.

He found Blair at the kitchen.

"Have you seen Serena?"

Blair shook her head.

"I thought she'd be where she always is these days. On top of you."

She smiled. Nate didn't.

"She got upset. Jenny told her some stuff."

Blair looked at him in all seriousness.

"What stuff, Nate? What has that little tart done this time?"

Nate sighed, didn't really want to tell it to Blair.

"Something about her sleeping in my bed last spring… "

"Nothing happened"

He quickly added when he saw the look Blair gave him.

"You idiot!"

She yelled and hit him in the side.

"And why are you standing here talking to me about it?"

She sat her eyes in him.

"You kind of asked…"

She rolled her eyes.

"Go look for her you moron!"

And that he intended to do. He ran out in the hallway and grabbed a jacket. He took the elevaotr and then ran out in the streets while he tried to think of where she could be.

* * *

She didn't really have anywhere to go.

Suddenly she was standing outside his office. She didn't quite know how she'd ended up there. If she maybe thought she could get some answers here. Or maybe even some comfort. She knocked and heard Chuck's voice tell her to come right in.

"Hey, Sis. I didn't expect you here"

He smiled.

She didn't return it.

"Why didn't you tell me, Chuck?"

He looked confused.

"Tell you what I may ask?"

"That Jenny spent the night in Nate's bed. I know you know it."

She sat down at one of his chairs and sighed.

"I did know that. And I knew it would come out someday. I wanted Nathaniel to tell you himself, and it looks like he finally did."

He smiled contently.

"Actually, he didn't tell me. Jenny did. And that's the worst part."

She looked down at her fingers.

"Is Jenny back?"

He asjed and he didn't smile anymore. He had an expression Serena couldn't quite figure out. Regret mixed with anger and something that looked a lot like fear. He was probably afraid of what this would do to his already complicated relationship with Blair.

"You didn't know? She's back, bitchier than before. If that's even possible…"

Chuck sat down too.

"Nothing happened you know. Between them I mean. She was watching New Moon and he was snoring the whole night. I heard it; you know how loud it can be…"

She had to smile a little.

"There's that beautiful smile of yours. Seriously Serena, that boy would never do something to intestinally hurt you. You know that."

She took a breath. She did know that, but it was still hard to hear that someone you loved had kept something like that from you for so long.

She slowly nodded.

"But it hurts. It hurts to know he would let her in his bed after everything she'd done. It hurts that he kept it from me. It hurts that I had to hear it from her. And it hurts to feel like we made a mistake…"

She sighed and looked at Chuck. Like he could say something that would make it hurt less.

"What do you mean? What mistake?"

He looked at her with concern in his eyes.

"That it was a mistake to get back together. Maybe we never can be able to fully trust each other. There have been people in both our lives, which still are a big part of our world. Like Dan, Vanessa, Jenny… I'm afraid our past is going to stand in the way of our future"

She could feel the tears starting to come again.

"It's not just me, I don't think he fully trusts me either…Not after the whole Dan thing."

Chuck sighed.

"I think he does. I think he trusts you and I know how much he loves you. He will never look at another girl like he looks at you. He will never laugh with another like he laughs with you. No woman will light up his face when she walks into a room, like the way you do. He will never love someone like he loves you. _Never._ "

Serena was crying at his words.

"God…Chuck, I didn't know you had it in you"

She laughed.

"That was beautiful."

He smiled at her and took her hand.

"It's just like it's with me. How I feel about Blair. Me and Nathanial have felt _that,_ all of that, since we were like six…"

Serena squeezed his hand.

"Me and Blair too…"

They both smiled.

"Thank you, Chuck. I think I have to go talk to Nate. We have to sort all of this out. So we can move on and finally trust each other completely."

She went towards the door and stopped. She turned around and looked at her step brother.

"She really loves you. Just give her some time and she'll come around."

Chuck smiled as she walked out.

* * *

"Can we drive a little faster? There's somewhere I have to be." _someone I have to talk to._

Serena was starting to lose her patience.

"I think there's been an accident of some sort."

The cab driver told her and she looked out the window.

She could see a lot of people standing next to a car and she could see an ambulance. It had defiantly been an accident.

"Okay then. Sorry for nagging"

She said and took out her cell phone.

* * *

"Hello! Is there anyone here?"

She took off her jacket and stood at the stairs.

"Blair? Nate?"

Of course he wasn't here, he was probably out looking for her, or he had gone to the Empire.

Then suddenly Blair came storming down the stairs.

"Where you've been? I've been trying to call you a hundred times."

Blair looked scared and upset.

"Oh, my battery went down. What's wrong?"

Blair took her hands.

"It's Nate"


	17. Life without you

**Thank you for all your reviews, means a lot!**

* * *

_"It's Nate"_

She felt numb.

"What do you mean it's Nate?"

Blair took a breath.

"Anne called me trying to reach you. It's been an accident. Nate was crossing the street and got hit by a car… He's in the hospital, that's all his mother said. She's on Bahamas so she wants us to go there. I'm so sorry."

Serena's world stopped. She didn't hear anything, see anything, feel anything. Time stood still.

"Where was this?"

She said after standing still for what felt like several minutes.

Blair looked confused by the question.

"Where was it Blair!"

She yelled.

"I'm not sure. Not far from here I think."

She took Serena's hand and tried to calm her down.

"I saw it. I saw the ambulance."

She cried.

"He was in that ambulance. Nate was in there. Hurt. Scared and alone…And I was just driving by worrying about the speed of the cab."

She had tears flowing down her face.

"Because I needed to get here quickly. So I could talk to him…"

She fell to the floor and Blair quickly sat down next to her.

"He was lying in there...And it's all because of me."

Blair stroke her hair.

"Don't say that."

She sighed before she continued.

"Not to scare you, Serena, but it sounded serious on the phone. I think we really should get to the hospital now."

Serena wiped away some tears.

"I can't lose him, Blair. I just can't"

* * *

Blair managed to halfway carry Serena into a cab. The two girls were completely silent the whole way. Serena was leaning against the window leaving small tears there, and Blair sat totally still next to her, tightly holding her hand.

Serena didn't have to say anything for Blair to understand what she was feeling. She was scared. She was scared she would lose the man she loved. Not just lose him to another woman, lose him as a boyfriend or lose him as a friend. But to completely lose him, to not have him breathing, to not have him living.

And Blair didn't have to say anything for Serena to understand that she was here for her. Always. No matter what happened. And that she was praying silently for Nate to survive this.

* * *

Blair had called everyone before Serena came home and sitting in the hospital were Eric, Lily, Rufus and Dan.

Lily came towards her heartbroken daughter and hugged her.

"I'm so sorry, Serena"

Serena pulled away from her mother and looked at her.

"Have you heard anything?"

Lilly shook her head.

"No, sweetie. They didn't want to tell us anything, since we're not his family."

Serena bit her lip.

"Can they do that? Refuse us to know. He doesn't have any family here. His father is in jail and his mother is on some trip to the Bahamas! I'm here!"

She took a deep breath.

"I'm his family..." She whispered.

She sat down next to Blair. Waiting for news, good or bad.

"You! You don't get to be here!"

Serena stood up from where she was sitting and went towards Jenny.

"Someone get her the hell out of here!"

She started crying and sat back down.

"I don't deserve to be her either…"

She whispered.

Blair grabbed her hand and squeezed it tightly

"Don't say that, S. You have every right to be here. Don't blame yourself; this was not your fault."

Rufus went to his daughter, whispered something to her and looked at Serena.

"I'm sorry for all of this, Serena. I'll take Jenny home."

Jenny didn't agree with her father.

"She can't order me to go anywhere. This is a hospital; she has no right to tell me to leave. Nate is my friend."

Blair stood up from the chair with a force that caught both Serena and Jenny off guard.

"You have no right to call him your friend. You have no right to be here and frankly you have no right to breathe the same air as me, Serena, or Nate. You have to understand that none of us want you here, including Nate. I told you to stay the hell away from New York, and if you had, maybe we wouldn't be sitting here right now and Nate wouldn't be fighting for his life. So I'll say it again, leave and never come back."

She sat down again without blinking.

Rufus sent Blair an angry look and escorted his daughter out of there. Serena could see tears surfacing in Jenny's eyes. She really couldn't care less.

Dan, who hadn't said anything since they came, tried to give Serena a comforting look. To tell her that no matter how or how many times she hurt him he would be there for her. She tried to give him a smile in return, but failed. The only important thing now was for Nate to be alive.

"I came as soon I heard your message, Blair"

Chuck yelled as he came running down the corridor towards them.

"How is he?"

He sat down in the empty chair next to Serena.

"We don't know…"

She started crying again. Small sobs against Chuck's shoulder.

"He is going to be fine, Serena. Nathaniel is strong. And I know he will fight as hell to stay alive. Do you know how I know that?"

He kissed her on the top of her head.

"Because he has you."

Serena tried to whisper him a thank you, but it got lost in all the cries.

Blair gave Chuck a loving look no one in the hallway was able to miss.

* * *

After waiting for what had felt like a lifetime to Serena, a doctor came towards them.

"Are you here for Nathaniel Archibald?"

He asked and looked at Serena and Blair.

"Yes, we are. How is he?" _Is he still alive? _

She didn't like the look in the man's eyes. Everything was clearly not fine, something was wrong. And she tried to prepare herself for the worst, but wasn't able to.

"He survived the surgery, but he's not breathing on his own yet. This is the best news I can give you under the circumstances, he's lucky to even be alive. When he came here his injuries were severe. Unfortunately I can't tell you if he is going to survive this or not. It's up to Mr. Archibald himself. He has to fight."

Serena took her hand to her mouth and shook her head. He wasn't breathing?

"Lucky…"

She whispered and looked at the doctor.

"I'm sorry I can't give you better news right now."

Serena was totally quiet, her thoughts were flying all over the place. Then she started running down the corridor.

"Serena!"

Blair yelled after her.

"I' can't do this!"

She screamed and continued to run.

Blair was ready to follow her when Chuck grabbed her arm.

"Let her run. She needs some time to think. Alone. Trust me."

* * *

When she was far away from Nate's room and all the people sitting outside it, she sat down on the floor with her back to the wall.

He wasn't _breathing._

"Oh God…"

She whispered to herself.

This was all her fault. She shouldn't have lashed out at him. She had no right to be so angry, she had done far worse thing herself. Why hadn't she just let it go? If she hadn't run out on him again, he never would have run after her. He wouldn't have been in that wouldn't be lying in a bed fighting for his life now.

He would be lying in her bed with her head on his shoulder. They would be happy. Now, they would maybe never get the chance to be happy again. And she wouldn't get the chance to tell him how sorry she was and that she forgave him. And he would never be able to hear her tell him just how much she loved him.

* * *

Serena sat there for an hour just letting all her tears out. She didn't wipe one of them away; just let every single one flow down her face and land on the floor or on her body.

When she hadn't more strength to cry and just stared into the white wall, Blair came and silently sat down next to her on the floor.

The only thought that went through Serena's mind at that moment, was that she thought she'd never seen Blair Waldorf sitting on the floor.

"I'm worried about you."

Blair said and took Serena's hand.

"I hate seeing you hurt like this. Can you please reassure me that no matter what happens you will stay strong, that you will not break completely and that you will eventually be okay? Because I can't lose you, Serena."

Serena didn't answer.

"Do you remember my accident last year?"

Blair was caught off guard by the question.

"Yes…Why do you ask?"

Serena looked at Blair.

"He stayed with me all night. I ran away with his cousin, even though he had asked me not to. Even though he told me to stay and give him a chance. Eve though he had told me he loved me and that I was the most amzing person he had met..But despite all of that, he stayed. He slept in an uncomfortable hospital chair just because he didn't want me to wake up alone. Just because he wanted to show me he loved me and that he wasn't mad at me."

She took a deep breath.

"That's the kind of guy that he is. So if he dies I will not be strong, I will break into a million pieces and I will never be okay again. I love him too much…"

Blair had tears in her eyes.

"Serena…I don't know what to say…"

Serena bit her lip and closed her eyes.

"You don't have to say anything, Blair. Because nothing will help, nothing can make this okay."

Blair hugged Serena tightly.

"I'll try anyway."


	18. Just want you to know

"You want to go and see him?"

Blair asked Serena while hugging her.

Serena took a deep breath.

"Yes…"

She whispered into Blair's hair.

Blair let Serena go and looked at her.

"You want me to come with you?"

She asked and tried to give her best friend a smile.

"No, I think it's something I have to do alone."

Blair nodded silently. She understood, she just hoped Serena was strong enough. She stood up and wiped her clothes. She reached out a hand for Serena to hold and the blonde took it and got up too. The two girls walked silently hand in hand until they reached Nate's room. Blair let Serena's hand go slowly.

"Remember to breathe, Serena. Don't fall apart. Please…"

Blair was almost pleading. She didn't want to see her best friend in pieces.

Serena slowly nodded and bit her lip so hard she almost started to bleed.

"But I can't promise you anything."

She whispered and turned her face to the door.

* * *

Serena took a deep breath before she entered the room. There he was, totally still in the bed.

Then it really hit her. Seeing him lying there without moving. Without _breathing_. She understood that not falling apart was going to be very difficult.

"Hey you."

She said and sat down in the chair next to him.

"Oh God…"

She looked at all the tubes and machines surrounding him.

Then she took his hand in her own and held it against her cheek.

"I'm scared, Nate…"

She swallowed her cries and tried to stop the tears from coming.

"I'm scared you're not going to make it. And I know I shouldn't even think that. That I should try to just think positive and be optimistic. Because you need all the optimism and happy thoughts you can get. But it's just too hard. Seeing you like this is too hard. I can't smile and say or think that everything is going to be okay. I can't manage to stay strong."

She took a breath before she continued.

"I know it's selfish, I know I'm letting you down once again. Because you need the people around you to fight with you… But I'm just so scared"

She laid his hand back on his stomach and laid both of her on top of it. She needed to hold onto him. That was all that was now keeping her from falling completely apart.

"I know you were out there because of me… You were looking for me. You're so good to me, Natie. Way too good _for_ me. I don't deserve you, I never did."

She closed her eyes and felt all the tears flowing down her face. She sat like that for a while. Eyes closed while more tears were coming. She didn't say a word. She only heard the machine that was breathing for him. Serena thought it was one of the worst sounds she had ever heard. She just wanted to hear him breathe again, see him smiling. She wanted him to listen to everything she had to tell him.

"I'm so sorry. This is all my fault. I should never have shouted at you or pushed you away. I had no right to be so mad at you. You hadn't really done anything wrong. I was just jealous again, I couldn't help it. I should know by now that you never would do anything to hurt me, that you love me too much…"

She cried.

"Because I love you so much. So much that I never want anything bad to happen to you. So much that I never want to hurt you. But I managed to do it again. I ran and you chased me…"

She squeezed his hand

"And because of that, you're lying here."

She leaned over and kissed his forehead. She let her lips linger there for a moment.

"Can you please wake up? Can you please open those beautiful blue eyes of yours and make my world spin?"

She sat down and tried to wipe away some of the tears.

"Please, Nate…"

She pleaded.

* * *

Day became night, and night became day. Over and over.

He had now been there for four days. There had been no change, no progress at all. Serena had been there day and night. Trying to hold it to together, so far she was failing every time. Blair and Chuck had been there with her for most of the time.

They'd been trying to get her to leave, trying to cheer her up and convince her that she needed to take some air and do something else for a while. Each time she had shook her head and told them she wasn't going anywhere. She was afraid to miss something. Miss him move a finger, take a breath or open his eyes.

"I wonder if you can hear me."

She laid her head on his shoulder.

"Can you squeeze my finger if you hear me?"

She took his hand and laid it over her own. Nothing happened.

"I just want you to know how much I love you. I'm afraid I never got to show you."

She sighed.

"I've never felt anything like it, Nate. My heart skip a beat every time I see you, I can't help but to smile every time I think about you. You take my breath away every day. You're my _everything_… Can you wake up so I can tell you this and show you it every day for the rest of my life… "

She moved her hand to touch his cheek.

"I think he knows all of that"

She turned around.

"Dan…"

"Hey, Serena"

Dan came towards her and stopped right behind her. He laid his hands on her shoulders.

"How are you holding up?"

She sighed.

"I'm a mess"

Tears started to come.

"You know, Nate was the only guy friend I had in high school. He didn't care about me being an outsider, he didn't care that his best friend hated me. He didn't care about the fact that I was in love with the same girl he had loved since kinder garden…"

Dan took a breath.

"He didn't care about anything of that, and was a good friend to me through some tough things. He doesn't deserve this. If there someone who doesn't deserve this, it's Nate. But I have seen how strong he is, Serena. He'll make it."

Serena wiped away a tear and turned around to face him.

"Thank you, Dan. I've given you no reason to be kind to me..."

She laid her hand on his.

"You were good to Nate too, you reached out to him when no one else did, including myself. You gave him a home when he didn't have one. You shared your family with him, when his wasn't around…"

She sighed.

"They're not here now either. I can't believe that his mum isn't here. His grandfather…Someone should be here."

Dan nodded silently.

"It breaks my heart to see that no one from his family is here for him…He doesn't deserve that."

She closed her eyes.

"I'm his family."

Both Serena and Dan turned around to see who it was, even though Serena would have recognized that voice any time.

"Tripp…"


	19. Down

"What are you doing here?"

Serena asked and stood up.

Dan just looked at Tripp and reminisced about the last time he had seen him.

It was thanksgiving and he had yelled something to Nate. Something about how Nate could do that to him…

"I'm here to see Nate, of course"

Tripp gave Serena a smile she had no intension in returning.

"Can you please give us a minute, Dan?"

Dan looked from Serena to Tripp and back at Serena again.

"It's okay, Dan"

Serena said and crossed her arms.

"Are you sure?"

Dan hesitated leaving her there with him when she was so unstable.

She didn't say anything, just nodded.

"I'll be right outside"

He said and left them there.

* * *

When they were alone Tripp took a couple of steps closer to Serena. She was still standing with her arms crossed and gave him an icy look.

"How are you doing, Serena?"

He asked without blinking.

"I'm fine"

He sighed.

"You are clearly not fine…"

He walked closer and laid a hand on her arms.

"I'm here for you."

She quickly pulled away.

"Don't touch me!"

He backed off and sat down in one of the chairs.

"Where is Anne?"

Serena asked without looking at him.

"She's still in Bahamas. Couldn't get out of there right away…"

Serena shook her head and made an angry sound.

"That's bullshit! She's a freakin' Vanderbilt; if she wanted to come here she would find a way."

Serena was so angry she started to cry.

"His mum doesn't care enough to be here for him…He doesn't deserve that."

She took a breath.

"And she sends you! Nate hates you…"

Tripp shook his head.

"She didn't send me, I'm here on my own initiative. I would have come sooner, but with my job you can't just up and leave."

Serena wanted to laugh at him, for talking like and acting like he was the most important person in the world. With the most important job.

But she didn't laugh. She just continued crying. It was almost hysterical cries; she wasn't able to control it. Tripp was standing now. He looked desperate to comfort her. He walked towards her slowly. Not sure if she would push him away immediately. When she didn't say or do anything he laid his arms around her.

She let him hug her.

Just because she needed someone. Not because she needed _him_.

"I think about you all the time" He whispered.

"I really miss you, Serena."

She pulled away from him and looked him in the eyes.

"You don't get to think about me. You don't get to miss me. "

She wiped away some of the tears.

"I thought I loved you"

She whispered with all the sincerity in the world.

"And then you broke my heart."

He looked at her desperately.

"I've regretted the things I did to you every day since…"

"You know who healed my heart..?"

Serena cut him off. Didn't want to listen to his lame excuses.

"Nate did."

She took a deep breath.

"Or actually my heart wasn't even whole when you broke it, it was already flawed. Because Nate broke it all those years ago when he said I love you to Blair...But he fixed it again."

She needed to get everything out, even though she knew he didn't care. And that it wouldn't even help saying it to him.

"And now it's broken again and it will be until he wakes up."

She looked into Tripp's eyes and didn't blink for a second.

"I never loved you. I've always loved Nate, it will always be him."

Tripp's face changed in that moment. He looked hurt and disappointed. He looked angry.

"But what will he say if he wakes up right now and see you surrounded by ex boyfriends comforting you?"

She looked at him in shock, didn't think he would sink that low.

The next thing happened so fast.

She slapped him.

"Get out!"

She yelled.

She could see the surprise in his eyes. He touched his cheek and turned around to walk away.

"Be better, Nate." He whispered on his way out.

* * *

Dan came storming inside the minute Tripp was gone.

"What happened? Are you okay, Serena?"

She shook her head and fell to the ground.

"I' far from it."

She whispered inbetween tears.

She looked at Nate.

"Please…"

She pleaded while Dan laid his arms around her and held her tightly.

Then suddenly she saw Nate's left hand move. She had to blink twice before believing it.

"Dan, look!"

She quickly went up from the floor and laid her hand over Nate's

"Oh my God…He's waking up!"

Dan didn't say anything. He didn't want to tell her that even though Nate moved some of his fingers, he could be in a coma for years.

Maybe even forever.

"Open up those beautiful eyes now"

She squeezed his hand.

"You don't have to be scared, I'm here, Natie"

She wiped away a tear.

"I'm right here."

And then he squeezed her hand back and she didn't think she had been happier about anything in her whole life.

That changed moments later when he finally opened his eyes.

Dan sighed in relief and Serena squealed with joy.

"Natie!"

She kissed the top of his head.

"Hey Gorgeous…"

His voice was soar and he coughed.

"Shh…Don't say anything. You should rest your voice"

He didn't listen.

"Why are you crying?"

He smiled at her.

"These are happy tears."

She smiled and wiped them away.

"It's so good to see you awake, Nate"

Dan said and squeezed his shoulder.

"I'm going to let you guys be alone"

Nate gave his friend a smile.

"You are kind of hurting my hand, Serena…"

Nate said when Dan had left.

She didn't say sorry. She wasn't sorry.

"I'm not letting go. Not ever."


	20. Everything I need is here in my arms

"Do you remember?"

Serena hadn't asked him about the accident until now. She didn't know if she was strong enough to hear it or that he was strong enough to talk about it.

A doctor and nurses had been in to check on him, to make sure everything was okay.

They told them that his full recovery was a miracle.

He was her _miracle._

"The accident you mean?"

He was holding her hand in his and gently stroke her arm with the other.

"I just remember what I thought about right before; I don't remember anything about the accident itself."

He took her hand up to his lips and kissed it tenderly.

"I was so afraid I had lost you again."

He said and looked deeply into her eyes. He could see tears surfacing there.

"Hey…Don't cry."

He squeezed her hand and wiped away the single tear that was making its way down her cheek.

"It's been enough crying for a while"

A small breath escaped her lips and she sat down next to him on his bed.

"I'm so sorry, Nate"

He had never heard her voice more fragile or more sincere.

"What are you talking about? You've nothing to be sorry for."

She shook her head while more tears were coming.

"Yes, I do. It's my fault you ended up here in the first place. I shouldn't have pushed you away like that or ran away on you again…I feel terrible. I don't know what I would have done if you hadn't woken up. "

He made room for her beside him in the bed and she curled up against him.

"I'm so sorry"

"Shh…"

He whispered while stroking her hair gently.

"I love you so much"

She said and let her fingers intertwine with his.

"I love you more"

He told her and kissed her to show her just how much.

"I don't think that's possible, Natie"

She laid her arm on his chest and rested her head against his shoulder.

They laid like that for a while, in total silence. She was cuddled up against him just thinking about how lucky she was and he was thinking the exact same thing.

Their love didn't really need words.

"I think I could've laid like this forever and been perfectly happy"

She said after almost twenty minutes with none of them saying a word.

"Me too"

He kissed the top of her head.

He sighed.

"Do you know where my mum is? If she knows I'm awake?"

Those words broke Serena's heart a little.

"Nate…"

She tilted her head up to look at him. To tell him with her eyes that it was okay and that she was there for him.

"She's still in Bahamas. She hasn't been here…"

He looked so hurt in that moment, Serena just wanted to hold him and never let go. To hide them from the world and all the hurt and disappointment in it.

"Good mum I have, huh?"

Serene kissed him and let her forehead rest against his.

"I don't know what to say to make it better, to make any of this better."

He smiled at her.

"You don't have to say anything. You're already making everything better, just by being her"

He pressed his lips against her one more time, she tasted strawberries.

She always tasted strawberries.

"I think she would come if she could…Tripp said she couldn't get out of there…"

Nate's eyes narrowed.

"Tripp was here?"

She nodded against his chest; he could feel his shirt get wet. She was crying again.

"Did he do something to you?"

She didn't answer.

"Answer me, Serena!"

She had regretted saying Tripp's name the moment it escaped her lips.

"It was just something he said and the way he is…It was nothing"

She wiped away those stupid tears and gave him a smile.

"That son of a bitch"

Nate was clearly angry.

"It was nothing! Don't get worked up about this. Please. You're not strong enough, Nate."

He sighed. The pleading look on her face made him calm down.

"Sorry. I hate to see you sad. I hate what he did to you and I hate the fact that he is part of my family."

She stroke his cheek.

"Let's talk about something else"

He gave her a smile.

"Let's talk about how you take my breath away."

The next day Blair and Chuck came to visit.

Blair hugged Nate for several minutes and tried to hide her tears.

"Nice to see you looking so fresh, Nathaniel"

Chuck said and did something he didn't do often.

He gave his best friend a hug.

"This is all I need. You guys are my real family"

Nate said and squeezed Serena's hand.

Then Blair sat down and everyone saw that it was something she wanted to tell them, but that she wasn't sure if she should.

"Speaking of family related things…I saw Jenny out in the hallway."

She sighed.

"I really thought she wouldn't dare to show her face around here again, after what I told her the last time."

Serena was heading for the door.

"Serena, can you please bring Jenny in here."

Nate said and she looked at him with surprise.

"I want to talk to her."


	21. Out of our lives

**A/N: Sorry for the late update! Been super busy.. Hope you like the new chapter and please review it! :) And please check out my new NS story and review that too! Would mean a lot :D**

* * *

"But…"

Serena started.

"But why?"

She didn't understand why he wanted to talk to her now. After everything that had happened.

"Come here"

Nate said and reached out one of his hands. Serena slowly made her way over to him as Blair dragged Chick out of the room.

He took her hand and pulled her in for a hug. He gently stroke her hair and she sighed against his neck.

"I just need to talk to her. It has nothing to do with us; I just need her to understand what I feel about this."

He pulled her head back and kissed her fiercely.

"You have nothing to worry about. I love you"

She smiled at him.

"I love you too" She whispered.

Then she stood up and went towards the door.

"I'll go get her."

* * *

"Hey…"

Jenny was standing in the door shyly. She was clearly uncomfortable with all of this.

Nate just nodded at her. She sat down next to his bed.

"How are you?" She asked and tried to give him a smile.

"Good" He just said, didn't want to talk about how he was doing. Wanted to talk about her and what she had been up to. How she'd hurt Serena.

"What are you doing here, Jenny?" He sighed.

She looked at him startled.

"I…" She began.

"I just wanted to check in on how you were doing. Dan told me you were awake."

She smiled at him, but he didn't return it. He wasn't going to either.

"I need you to listen to me now, Jenny" He said and sat his blue eyes in her.

She sat in silence; she didn't think she'd ever seen him this serious before.

"I don't want you here. I don't want you in my life at all, in our lives. You've done some fucked up things; you've hurt Serena, Blair, me… Even your own brother and father"

He took a breath and looked at her. He could see tears surfacing in her eyes. Nate didn't enjoy making her cry; he'd never been one to enjoy hurting others. He didn't like being mean to people, but now he felt it was necessary. Because Jenny had done so many horrible things, and she hadn't listened to her dad or her brother or Serena and Blair. So he thought maybe he could get it through her head.

"I want to protect the people I love. "

He emphasized the last word. To let her know that he didn't think of her as one of those people. He may have at some point, but that was a long time ago. When he had seen her as a sweet and innocent little girl. Like a little sister he had to protect. That was before she'd done all of those messed up things.

"Protect them from being hurt."

Jenny wiped away the tears and huffed.

"It's not only me that hurt people. Your so called friends and _girlfriend_ are just the same. They are no better than me. They've hurt you more than I have, I've never done anything directly towards you."

Nate shook his head.

"That's where you're wrong. By hurting my friends you hurt me."

She sat totally still.

"I slept with Chuck; I know that was wrong, but obviously I wasn't alone about that one. I don't understand why I get all the blame for it. No one is banishing or shutting out Chuck."

She was standing before his bed now and set her eyes in him. She was no longer crying. He could see anger and hate in her eyes and he could understand that she was upset about this.

"What happened to you, Jenny? I don't recognize you at all. You were so kind and sweet, you used to do to the right thing. What happened to that girl?"

He sighed.

"You happened!" She yelled.

"All of you and this crazy world you live in!"

She threw her arms up in the air and Nate thought that in that moment it was her that looked crazy.

"You can't blame us for the choices you've made."

She resigned then.

"Whatever, Nate. I give up!"

She turned around to get out of there. Then she turned around to look at him one last time.

"I loved you, Nate. If that makes any difference."

It didn't.

* * *

Serena came back inside after Jenny left. She went over to him and sat down at his bed.

"She looked sad. And angry" She stroke his cheek.

"She looked sad" She repeated.

"I know" Nate sighed and gently kissed her hand.

"I hate making people cry" He said and closed his eyes.

"I know" She kissed his lips gently, bumped her forehead against his.

"What did you say to her?" She whispered.

"Basically that I don't want to have her in my life, any of our lives. Close to what everyone else has told her these past months."

Serena laid down next to him, snuggled up against him. It was probably her favorite thing to do. Had been since they were little kids and she slept at the Archibald's because her mum was out on one of her many trips.

"I think you telling her those things hit her harder. Maybe it will make her understand that she has to change, do something with her life. With the person she has become."

Nate nodded slowly and placed a hand on her arm. Made little hearts there with one of his fingertips.

"I really don't recognize her. I just hope she took in some of what I said."

Serena closed her eyes and leaned in closer to him, made her lips rest at his neck for a while.

"I think she did. I think she loves you" She whispered against his skin.

"I love _you_" He whispered in her ear.

That was her absolute favorite thing to hear.

"Love you more"

He smiled.

"Love you more than rainbows." He said and laughed.

She laughed too. Turned around to face him and placed another kiss on his mouth.

"You're so cheesy"

He kissed her forehead and laughed against her hair.

"You ready to go home yet?" She asked when he had finished laughing.

"I am home. Home is where you are"

She smiled.

"Hate to break it to you, but your lines is kind of clichés, baby."

He touched her cheek gently.

"And I hate to break it to you, but they got me Serena Van der Woodsen."

She laughed against his chest.

"You know you love me, babe" Nate yelled out in the room.

And boy, she did.

So much she was afraid he'd never understand just how big her love for him was.


	22. It's the thought that matters

"How's it going, sis?" Chuck said and walked into the kitchen while trying to fix his purple bow.

Serena looked up at him and smiled.

"I'm actually not sure" She giggled.

Chuck looked around the room; he'd never seen anything like it. It was food and something that looked like garbage everywhere. Even Serena herself was covered in something Chuck assumed was food.

"I think your surroundings give me the answer." Chuck smirked.

Serena narrowed her eyes and pouted at him.

"I'm doing my best, Chuck."

She said while looking down at her own clothes. And she could see his point. Her once white sweater was, well, no longer white. Even her shoes were covered in sauce. She just really wanted to cook for Nate his first night home. But this was not her area of expertise. Not even close.

"Maybe I should have had one of those…" She pointed down her body, to try to explain Chuck what she meant.

"I don't remember what they're called"

He laughed at her.

"Do you mean an apron?" He went over to one of the many cabinets in there and took out a red and white apron and threw it at her.

"I think it's too late though. You look like a mess."

She smiled at him.

"That's okay. Nate loves messy me." She said in a low and sexy voice.

"That, sis, is too much information" He narrowed his eyes at her and shook his head.

"And my cue to leave" He went over and kissed her cheek.

"Thank you for letting me borrow your kitchen, Chuckie." She said and gave him a kiss on the cheek in return.

"I think it's really sweet what you're doing for Nathaniel. Just don't burn down my hotel"

She giggled.

"I'll do my best."

* * *

"Not to be rude or ungrateful, but why are you the one who picked me up at the hospital? Where is Serena?"

Nate looked over at Blair; they were standing in the elevator at the Empire.

"No special reason. Serena was just busy"

Blair stared into the wall.

"You are not telling me everything. You have that look."

Nate narrowed his eyes at her.

"And what look may that be, Nathanial?"

She stared at him.

"Like you're hiding something"

Blair huffed and helped him out of the elevator.

"You'll soon see, Nate" She said while she got back inside and pushed the button.

"I kind of…" He started.

She waved at him before the doors closed

"…need some more help." He finished and sighed.

He looked down at his bag and tried to shove it in front of himself while trying to drag himself around in the suite. He failed massively and just sat down on top of the bag.

"Chuck!" He yelled.

Out from the living room came Serena. She wore a grey dress that was tightly around her body at all the right places and she wore her hair like he loved it the most, down around her shoulders. She looked so beautiful that Nate only sat there with his mouth halfway open.

"Wow…" He eventually got out.

"Sorry to disappoint you, but Chuck's not here." She went over to him and helped him up on his feet.

"Only me" She whispered.

"Much better" He said and kissed her. They stood there for a while forgetting the world around them. Only noticing each other.

Then Serena pulled back and took one of his arms around her neck and laid her left arm around his waist to try to help him move.

"This is not the way to my bedroom, babe" He teased.

She hit him lightly in the side.

"We're not going there. Yet." She smiled at him.

"I've made you dinner"

* * *

"It's beautiful, Serena" Nate said and kissed the top of her head.

The living room were full of red roses and candles and in the centre stood a little, round table set for two.

She followed him over to one of the chairs and went to the kitchen to get the food.

"I don't think you should go in there for a while" She said and sat down across of him.

He laughed and took her hand.

"I love you for this." He kissed her hand.

"I hope it tastes good" She smiled.

He tried some of the meat; it was probably the worst food he'd ever tasted. If it even still could be called that.

She looked at him hopefully, hadn't touched the food herself. He couldn't bear to tell her that it wasn't eatable. So he just smiled at her.

"Mmm…" He said while nodding.

"You didn't like it, did you?" She asked.

"Don't be silly. This is so good" He answered and took another bite.

She looked at him suspiciously and took a bite herself.

"This is horrible!" She said and immediately spit it out.

"You're such a bad liar, Natie. We can't eat this"

She pouted at him.

"It doesn't matter, Serena. That you even try to cook for me just makes me love you even more. The result doesn't matter to me at all" He leaned over to kiss her.

"Let's order room service"

* * *

"I'm so full." Serena said and cuddled up against Nate on the coach.

He leaned down and kissed her forehead.

"Sorry for my disastrous try to make you dinner. I could have ended up poisoning you."

He laughed.

"Don't worry. Like I said, I don't care about the food. I just love you for doing something like this for me."

She turned around and kissed him.

"I just wanted to show you how glad I am to have you out of the hospital. And show you just how much I love you."

He kissed her again, more intense this time.

"Its other ways to show me you know, _better_ ways" He whispered and kissed his way down her neck.

She took his head between her hands and looked at him seriously.

"Are you sure?" She whispered.

"I mean, you've just been released from hospital."

He kissed away her doubts.

Then he gently pushed her back on the coach and pushed her dress up over her hips and she rushed to remove his shirt and zip down his pants. His hands roamed over her body, her waist up to the swell of her breasts.

Serena took small, quick breaths as his hands moved between her thighs. She pulled her head up and kissed him with great passion. When she moaned against his mouth he could feel his whole body shiver.

He groaned against her lips when she hooked one of her legs around his hips. She reached down between their bodies and guided him inside her. The movement of his lips against hers got more frantic as he moved deeper into her with every thrust. He swallowed her quiet screams as she clenched around him.

"Oh..." She breathed out as they came together.

In that moment he felt like he'd never been happier.


	23. Scared in the darkness

**A/N: Sorry for the lack of updates! I've just not been very inspired lately... I know this chapther is really short and not that good, but I kind of wanted this chapter to set up the next chapters, those will have some drama... Anyways, Enjoy and please review :D**

* * *

"I love you so much" She whispered out in the darkness.

She could hear his steady breaths and she could reach out and touch his bare skin.

"I love you too" He whispered back.

She turned her face towards him.

"I thought you were asleep." She kissed him gently.

"Almost" He said.

"Why aren't you sleeping, baby? It's really late." He asked her while his eyes slipped shut.

"I've been thinking. I just can't seem to close my eyes and let go of those thoughts" She answered and looked up at the ceiling.

"What thoughts?" He asked worriedly and his eyes were open again. He laid his arm halfway around her and stroke her arm gently.

"I've been thinking about my dad… And your mum" She sighed and turned around so their eyes met in the dark.

"And your dad and my mum" A single tear made its way down her cheek and he quickly wiped it away.

"How did it get like this? How did our parents manage to let us down in so many ways?" She asked him vulnerably.

"I don't know." He sighed and laid his hand on her chin.

"I don't think they wanted to fail us like they have." He breathed out before he continued. He didn't think he would be able to give her answer, at least not the answer she was seeking. What she wanted to hear.

"I think this world we live in is partly to blame. You get dragged into these struggles with money, power struggles. To always have to keep up an appearance. I guess it's hard. That it got to be too hard for them." He said to her.

"Not that it's an excuse." He quickly added.

"I just can't believe that your mum didn't come when you were in the hospital. And I don't think I'll ever understand how my dad could leave us all those years ago and all the things he did when he came back to my life. And I don't think I'll ever understand how our mum could leave me and Eric again and again." She could really feel her tears pressing.

"But she came back every time" Nate said and held her tightly.

Serena slowly nodded.

"And my father have done many mistakes, but in a way I think he did them all for my mum and me"

"He really loves you, Natie." Serena said and cuddled up against him.

"I don't know about my mum though… If she's ever really loved me…" He has thought about it may times, but it's the first time he's said it out loud.

"That's the same way I feel about my dad. I ask myself that question all the time. Did he ever love me?" She breathed out and hid her face against Nate's neck.

He kissed the top if her head and really wished he could kiss her pain away. But he knew this would be a part of them forever. Those things their parents did. And more importantly what they didn't do.

"Maybe we can do better. Maybe we can start a family someday. And kind of make things right." He regretted it as soon as the words left his lips. He didn't want to scare her, give her any reason to run away again.

She looked at him and blinked, she wasn't able to hold back the tears anymore. And then to his relief she smiled and leaned over to kiss him.

"I would love to have a family with you. A little boy with sandy blonde hair and deep blue eyes, a little baby Natie" She smiled.

"I want a girl just like you" He kissed her forehead.

"With your adorable laugh and your cute, little dimples."

She kissed him again. Long. And when they parted, she was crying again. Them talking about this felt too real. Too much like something they could actually have sometime. If she didn't do anything to screw it up again. Did something to hurt him, destroy them. She was afraid she was just like her mother. Who eventually destroyed every relationship she'd ever had. And Serena didn't feel like she had the best track record already. But things were different with Nate, he and what they shared were different from all the other men and all the other relationships.

"Promise me you won't hurt me" She suddenly whispered.

"I promise" He said in a calm, steady voice. To make her understand that he meant it with everything in him, with every breath he had left.

"Promise me you won't let _me_ hurt you." That was what she really needed him to promise her.

"Promise" He whispered and kissed her.

It wasn't really her thoughts about their parents' mistakes that had kept Serena up. It was the fear of herself repeating them and to be like her mother.


	24. Doesn't have a clue

**A/N: So sorry for not updating at all these past weeks! I've just been lacking inspiration.. But there will come an update to this tomorrow or the next day (or maybe both) Because now I have found a storyline I feel good about... Enjoy! :D**

* * *

"Oh my God!" Serena squealed. She threw her phone away and ran out of the room to find Nate.

"You'll never guess who's dating!"

Nate slowly looked up from the book he was reading.

"Are Blair and Chuck finally out in the open. We know they've been sleeping together the past weeks. They're not nearly as sneaky as they think"

Serena Impatiently shook her head and bumped down next to him.

"I said you'll never guess it, everyone on Manhattan knows about Blair and Chuck. I mean everyone in the city have heard them have sex at some point the last month…"

Nate made a little sound, like a sigh or a huff.

"Really don't want to think about that…So who is it?"

Serena took a dramatic breath before revealing the new couple.

"It's Cece and William!"

Nate started to laugh immediately.

"Good one, S." He just shook his head.

"You're kidding? Right?" He said when he saw the look she was giving him.

"No, my grandmother and your grandfather are an item. They've been spotted on several dates the past two weeks. It's all over the internet. It's even a picture of them in front of some hotel…"

Then he didn't say anything and simply stared at her with disbelief.

"I don't want to think about what they'd been doing there…" Serena said and giggled.

"Don't even say it…" Nate shivered.

"That's one scary couple though" He said.

"Even scarier than Blair and Chuck." He added.

Serena nodded in agreement before looking over at Nate. He was reading his book again. He'd been his normal self for about five minutes.

They have been living in their own little blissful bubble for about a month now. Serena had loved every minute of it. But now she felt like Nate was starting to make little holes in that prefect bubble. He hadn't been acting normal lately, he was always nervous and he'd started to read books. That's something she has never seen him do before, and a part of her felt like it was to avoid her for some time, just dive into a book so he didn't have to talk to her or be with her. She thought to herself that he was probably starting to get sick of spending so much time with her. She knew she could be a handful.

"Natie?" She said and stroke his arm.

"Yes..?" He didn't remove his eyes from the book.

"You wanna go on a fun date tonight?" She asked in her most joyful and sweet voice.

He looked up at her and smiled.

"I'm sorry, but I can't. I promised Dan I would hang out with him at the loft tonight."

She pouted at him and sighed.

"You're blowing me of for _Dan_?"

He laughed and kissed her gently on the nose.

"I'ts not like I want to or anything. But he's having some girl trouble again. He wants to get back together with Vanessa, but she's not quite there. And he needs someone to talk to, and that's where I come in."

"You know Dan" He added when she looked at him.

"Okay then" She said and cuddled up with him.

"Then I'll just have to be here alone and pray to God that Chuck and Blair don't come here to be sneaky tonight."

* * *

Serena sat down in the coach with some popcorn and was about to turn on the TV when a phone started beeping.

"Babe, your phone is ringing!" She yelled, but got no answer.

Nate was still in the shower.

"I'ts probably Dan…" She said out loud and grabbed Nate's phone.

It wasn't

_Melissa_.

Serena didn't answer.

All of a sudden she got extremely worried.

Why was there a Melissa calling Nate? She knew all of his friends. At least she thought she did. And none of them were named Melissa.

She could still hear the running water in the shower; she could just take a little peak at his messages. Just to calm her nerves. She did trust Nate, but he had been so distant lately.

She felt guilty while opening his inbox. This is wrong she constantly said to herself, but that didn't stop her from opening the message conversation Nate had with this girl.

_We're still on for tonight? :)_

_Yes, of course. I'll meet you in front of the Empire. :) _

_And your girlfriend doesn't suspect a thing?_

_Serena doesn't have a clue…_

She threw the phone away so fast and so hard that she thought she might have broken it. And then she just sat there, totally quiet and completely numb.

She only started at the blank screen, until Nate came out and asked her why she didn't turn on the TV so she actually had something to look at.

But Serena only looked at him. He had fixed his hair and was wearing a nice shirt. She wanted to ask him why he had dressed up to go see Dan in Brooklyn. She didn't, she wasn't able to get a word out.

So she just stood up from where she was sitting and walked over to him. She wrapped her arms around him tightly and kissed his cheek.

"I am coming back you know" He said and laughed.

Serena tried to give him a sincere smile, when all she wanted was to burst into tears.

Yes, he was coming back. But still she had lost him.

That was her thoughts when she saw him enter the elevator.

Afterwards it was only tears and _Serena doesn't have a clue…_


	25. Running away one last time

Serena decided to follow him as soon as he left the apartment. Or she really decided when she read the message.

She had to see it for herself. She had to _know._

She quickly grabbed her jacket and ran to the elevator.

_Serena doesn't have a clue..._

Nate wrote that.

He wrote this girl that she doesn't have a clue. The words felt so cruel to Serena. Like he was making fun of how dumb and naive she is. And what is it she doesn't have a clue about?

That's the question floating around in her mind.

"He's not having an affair" She whispered to herself over and over.

"He can't be. He wouldn't do that to me…" She kept on talking to herself. She thought she did it to convince herself nothing was going on.

This Melissa girl was probably just a friend.

But why was he lying to her, telling her he was going to see Dan? And he had been acting so weird the past week. Serena didn't want to think about it. But deep down she knew something was going on with Nate. He was hiding something from her. Something big and important.

Something she thought would end up breaking her heart.

The car was approaching the Empire and Serena could see Nate standing outside. Her hands were shaking and her lips shivered. Tears were starting to surface in her eyes. She didn't exactly know what she expected to see here, to discover.

She took deep breaths over and over and asked the cabdriver to stop the car. Form where they now were parked she could see Nate clearly.

_Nate. _

The love of her life. The man she thought she would spend the rest of her life with. He was the man she though eventually would be the father of her kids.

Now she didn't think anything. She just felt numb and she wanted this to end. Now. She wanted to _know._ Good or bad, she wanted to know.

And just as Serena wiped away the tears a girl came walking up to Nate. She was beautiful and Nate's face lit up as she wrapped her arms around him.

Then he kissed her cheek and Serena knew.

She knew.

"Can you drive me back?" Her voice cracked.

* * *

Serena didn't really blame him, she blamed herself. She must have driven him to this. She must have done something to hurt him, something to make him go and find someone else.

Because he couldn't have done this without a good reason. He wouldn't do something like this to her if she hadn't done something first.

Serena sat down in the coach and tried to figure out just what it was she had done. Where did it all go wrong? When did they fall apart?

What had she done?

She didn't think about anything else for the next hour. And when Nate came back she hadn't moved a muscle, she had only been sitting there crying.

"What's wrong, S?" He came over to her and sat down next to her.

She should probably have yelled at him and told him she knew he had been cheating. She should've hated him and hit him and told him it was over.

She should be angry.

Instead she was just sad.

"Just a movie without a happy ending" _Just like us_.

He wrapped an arm around her and started to talk about something. She didn't listen at all.

"How was Dan?" Why are you asking? A voice whispered in her head. You know where he's been, who he has been with.

"Fine" Nate smiled.

Still lying, she thought to herself.

But she wasn't mad now either. Just so incredibly sad.

And when he leaned over to kiss her she knew exactly what she had to do.

* * *

She went to bed like a complete ghost. Didn't listen to him speak and barely looked at him. But when she laid next to him in bed that night she _listened._ She _looked_.Listened to everything. His steady breaths and the small sighs he made while sleeping. She gently touched his chest and stroke his cheek. So gently she didn't wake him. She took a last look at him.

Then she looked up at the ceiling and just let all the tears out.

She didn't sleep at all. When she was sure he was in a deep sleep she got up and packed a bag. She couldn't be there.

She had to run away again.

* * *

When Nate woke up, Serena was gone. He didn't give it much thought at the time. He just thought she'd gone down at the kitchen or that she and Blair had taken an early shopping trip.

He got dressed and looked for her in the apartment. She wasn't there and neither was Blair so he just assumed they had gone somewhere together.

It was probably a good thing she wasn't there because he had big plans. Plans that acquired him to lie to her and he hated that. He hated to tell her that he was with Dan when he wasn't. He hated being distant just so she wouldn't understand what he had been hiding.

But he had a reason. A good one.

* * *

Day became night and Nate still hadn't seen Serena. He was starting to get worried. Where could she be at this hour? And where had she been all day?

He hadn't given it much thought throughout the day because he'd been so nervous about other things. But now he was really worried.

He tried calling her again. No answer.

And then he saw he had gotten a new voice message.

It was from Serena.

"_It's me." _

He heard she was crying and he sat down, afraid to hear what came next.

"_I'm gone. I can't do this anymore; I know you've been lying and what you've hidden from me. But I'm not mad. I'm...I don't even know what I am. I just know that this is over. You and me. Us. It's gone, just like I am. Because of me I guess. It was doomed from the start because of me. I'm like my mother. I'm poison. I'm damaged. I don't blame you, I blame myself. I want you to know that. And I love you so much. Never loved anyone or anything so much in my whole life. I want you to know that too. Need you to know. Right from the beginning it was always you. Always will be. But I can't stay. And I know this isn't fair, to leave you like this. But I can't look at you and tell you all of this. I know I should be angry at you, you betrayed my trust. You…I can't even bring myself to say it out loud…What you did, it's…So I'm running away again, Nate. And you shouldn't try to find me, chase me. I guess you don't even want to. Maybe me running away is a relief to you. I don't know. I'm running because you promised. You promised not to hurt me and not to let me hurt you. Now we've ended up hurting each other. Goodbye, Natie. I love you" _

He didn't even realize he was crying before he touched his own cheek. He played the message over and over. This couldn't be real. He had to be asleep; the only explanation to this was that he was dreaming. This was a nightmare. Nothing more. But when he listened to it again and again without waking up next to her, he knew it was true.

It was real.

… _Goodbye, Natie. I love you" _

The end.

And he knew that this was it. Knew it was over.

It was over before it even really began.

Nate stood all alone in the dark with a ring in his hand and a key in his pocket.


	26. Someone has to clean up the mess

"This has to stop. Now!"

Blair stood across Nate and narrowed her eyes at him.

He gave her a quick look, but didn't respond.

"You are falling apart, Nate. You don't shower, you don't eat, and you haven't been out of this suite for days. " She sighed.

"Has Chuck told you all of this?" Nate asked coldly.

"The showering thing wasn't hard to figure out for myself." Blair said.

"You smell."

Nate rolled his eyes at her and continued to watch TV.

"Chuck told me something else though…"She stopped for a brief moment before continuing.

"About how you're playing Serena's message over and over. I don't think that's…" Blair sat down next to him.

"…Healthy"

Nate didn't say anything and he didn't look at her. He simply stared at the screen and pretended to pay attention to the program on it.

Blair went up from the coach and turned off the TV.

"Hey! I was watching that!" He threw his hands up in the air.

"Well, now you're not"

She decided to stand right in front of him so he had to listen to her.

"Why are you playing it over and over, Nate? The words won't change and it won't go away."

"Don't you think I know that?"

Blair sighed and sat down with him once again.

"I just don't understand why you torture yourself with it. " She laid her hand on his.

"Because…" Nate started.

"I try to understand. So I have to listen to it again and again. Because I can't understand, I think I never will"

He took a deep breath.

"And I find myself hoping that when I come to the end of the message it will have a different ending, but unfortunately that's not the case. It ends with goodbye every time…"

Blair wiped away a tear from the corner of her eye. The man in front of her was shattered and she hated seeing him like this. She thought she had never seen him like this and it kind of scared her. He used to be so happy and so carefree. Now he was a shadow of himself and she didn't know what to do or say to help him.

"But why are you just sitting here? Why aren't you trying to find her?"

She squeezed his hand gently.

"You should go find her and bring her back."

"I can't and I won't. Because she ran away again and I can't bring myself to chase her one more time. Besides, she doesn't want me to run after her..."¨

"That has never stopped you before. You've chased her and fought for her many times. "

Nate looked away from her.

"It's different this time"

It was only a whisper.

"Why?" Blair simply asked.

"It's different." He repeated with a loud and steady voice this time.

"I don't understand…" Blair said quietly.

Then he suddenly went up from where he had been sitting with such force it almost knocked Blair over.

"She promised!" He yelled.

"She promised she wouldn't run away from me again!" He was pointing his finger at Blair, like this was all her fault.

She didn't say anything; she understood that he was angry and hurt. But she didn't understand how he could give up on Serena. Give up on what they had.

"I don't think I'll ever understand why she left you…She loves you" Blair said and Nate just shook his head.

"I know she loves me, that is not why she ran. She found out what I have been hiding. And that scared her I guess. And therefore she decided to bail."

Blair looked at him with confusion.

"What you have been hiding?"

Nate reached for his pocket and threw her a little box. Blair slowly opened it even though she had already understood what was in it.

"You were going to propose…" Blair was crying now.

"Do you understand now? Do you understand why I'm not trying to find her? She doesn't want to marry me…"

And then he went to his bedroom and shut the door with a bang.

* * *

Nate was lying in bed drinking from a bottle of vodka when someone knocked on his door.

"I don't want to hear it, Chuck. I let you have your breakdowns in peace…" He yelled and threw a ball at the door.

The ball almost hit Dan right in the face when he opened the door.

"It's me" He said, like Nate hadn't seen that.

"How did you get in here?" Nate grunted.

"Chuck let me in" Dan answered and sat down in a chair.

"Of course he did. He probably thinks you can help me since you've been here yourself. In this situation I mean. She has left you too before…"

Dan sighed.

"That was not the same. This is different. What you two have is different."

Nate just huffed.

"You want a drink?" He handed the bottle to Dan.

Dan took the bottle, but he didn't drink.

"Can I get that back?"

Dan shook his head.

"You need to stop this. All of this."

"I don't want to." Nate simply said.

"You sound like a child, Nate. Pull yourself together."

"Why?"

Dan didn't have an answer for that. A part of him got it. He knew what an effect Serena could have and how it was to loose her.

"Chuck told me you we're going to propose to her…"

"I don't want to talk about it!" He yelled at his friend.

Then they were totally silent for a while. Until Dan discovered a packed bag in the corner of the room.

"Going somewhere?"

"Yeah, I think I'm going to leave this town. As soon as possible. It's starting to choke me."_The memories are starting to choke me._

* * *

Chuck came out from the elevator in a hurry.

"I've been trying to call you!" He told Blair when she came out in the living room.

"I've been on the phone with Dan" She looked worried.

"I found Serena"

He said to her just as she told him Nate was leaving the country.


	27. It's her time

"She never even left Manhattan." Chuck said and sat down.

"I thought she at least would be in Europe by now. That she wanted to go as far away as she could." Blair said and sat down next to him.

"I think this is a good thing though. A part of her wanted to stay in the city. That means we haven't completely lost her."

Blair nodded in agreement.

"We still have time."

"Not much." Chuck said in seriousness.

"Did Dan tell you when Nathanial was planning on going? Or where he was going?"

Blair shook her head slowly.

"I don't think Nate even knows that himself, he just wants to leave."

Chuck was quite for a while.

"I get it, I've been there."

Blair took his hand.

"Haven't we all?"

Chuck leaned over and kissed her gently.

"You should go and talk to Serena, get some sense into her."

Blair nodded.

"But I think you should come with me. We're stronger together. "

* * *

"Open up the door, Serena!" Blair yelled and knocked on the door as hard as she could.

"We know you're in there, sis" Chuck said.

"My PI has seen you" He added.

They could hear small steps on the other side of the door and slowly it went open.

"What are you guys doing here?" Serena asked tiredly.

"We could ask you the same." Blair said and huffed.

Chuck and Blair went into the apartment without Serena inviting them in.

"Sure, come in!" She said and shut the door with a bang.

Serena sat down in the coach and Blair just stood in front of her with her arms crossed.

"What are you doing here, S?" Blair asked her.

"And how did you get this place?" Chuck said before Serena had answered Blair's question.

Serena sighed and looked at her friends. She really didn't want to talk to them. She didn't want to explain them everything.

"I'm only here until I figure out where to go, what to do…" Serena took a pause.

"And this apartment belongs to Carter" She didn't even look at Blair and Chuck, she knew very well what they thought of her ex-boyfriend.

"What?" Blair and Chuck yelled at the same time.

Serena only rolled her eyes at them.

"So let me get this straight" Blair started.

"You leave Nate to run into Carter's waiting arms!" Blair felt like hitting Serena.

"No!" Serena couldn't believe that Blair would think that about her.

"It's not like that at all. He gave me the key long ago telling me I could go here if I ever needed a place to crash. He has never lived here himself. I haven't seen him since I kicked him out of my cab. I think he's in Dubai or Bangkok or something…"

She took a deep breath.

"I could never do that to Nate…" She looked at the ground, and her thoughts went straight to the girl she had seen him with.

"You should see what you're doing to him now" Chuck said and narrowed his eyes.

"He is a complete mess; he is just sitting in his room drinking." Blair said.

"Why?" Serena asked.

"Why, Serena? You left him! You ran away again…"

Serena went up from where she was sitting and went over to the window. She just stood there, looking out at the city. Tears were starting to surface in her eyes. They blamed her for all of this; they clearly didn't have the whole story.

"I…" Her voice cracked.

"I just don't understand this, S."

Blair came up to her and placed her arms around her.

"I had to leave him." Serena said and started crying.

"I still don't understand"

Serena pulled away from Blair and looked at both her and Chuck.

"He cheated on me!" She yelled between the tears.

"What..?" Blair whispered.

"I saw him with this girl. Melissa…"

"He didn't cheat on you" Chuck said calmly.

"Melissa works for me; she helped Nate find an apartment. An apartment for you two."

Serena looked at him in shock.

"And he was going to propose to you." Blair added.

Serena had to sit down.

"Oh my God…" She whispered and laid her head in her hands.

"He thinks you left him because you don't want to marry him."

Blair said and sat down with her again; she reached for her hand and held it tightly. Because she knew that the next thing she would say was the worst for Serena to hear.

"And now, Nate is leaving. He is leaving New York because he thinks you don't want him. I think he's even leaving the country..."

"Oh my God…" Serena repeated over and over.

"Where is he going?" She finally asked.

"We don't know" Chuck said.

"What do you mean you don't know?" She raised her voice. How could they not know.

"I don't think he himself knows where he's going at this point, he just wants to get away."

Blair wiped away some of the tears on her best friend's cheeks and gave her a warm hug.

"Nate has chased you your whole life. I think it's your turn to chase him"

Serena didn't answer; she just got up from the coach and stormed out of the apartment. Leaving her friends behind.

* * *

"Nate!" She yelled and ran around the suite.

"Nate, are you here?"

She tried his cell phone again. Still no answer.

"Please still be here…Please…" She whispered frantically to herself while searching the place.

She went to his bedroom and noticed quickly that many of his things were missing.

He was gone.

"Oh no…"

She ran to the elevator and got back down to the cab she had waiting for her.

"I need to get to the airport!" She said, way angrier than intended.

"Fast!"

Her phone started to ring and she picked it up in a hurry, hoping it was Nate.

It wasn't.

"I spoke to Nate" Chuck said calmly.

"And?" Serena asked.

"I told him about the whole misunderstanding. He still wants to leave. I'm sorry, sis"

She wanted to cry, but she didn't. She pulled herself together, she couldn't break down now. She had things to do, important things. She had to stop him from leaving. She just hoped she had enough time, the airport was far away.

"Do you at least know where he is going now?" She asked her step brother.

"London." Chuck answered.

Serena felt like he was holding something back.

"Something more you want to tell me, Chuck?"

He was quiet for a while.

"Me and Blair will meet you at the airport."

* * *

She ran as fast as she could with her high heels on.

It wasn't fast enough.

This airport is too big; she thought to herself and stopped so she could remove her shoes. People were starting to look at her. But she didn't pay them any attention, just took her shoes in one hand and started to run again,

Then suddenly she stopped with one of the boards.

She was too late.

There it was, black on white.

She was too late.

It was over.

Surrounded by hundreds of people Serena fell to the ground. She just gave up and sat down and let all the tears out.

He was really gone.


	28. A happy ending is all we want

**A/N: This is the last ordianry chapter to this story. I'm a little sad that it's over. But this was the ending I've had in mind from the beginning. And I hope you guys will like it! I will write an epilouge.. :D**

* * *

Serena didn't go home to the Waldorf apartment, she went straight back to the suite at the Empire.

She had been sitting on the floor crying for about ten minutes before Chuck and Blair had come and dragged her up from the floor and back to the car. They hadn't said a word to her the whole way back and she was empty. There were no words left in her. So they didn't protest when she wanted to be dropped off at the hotel. And she didn't say anything when they didn't go out with her.

She went with small quiet steps over the hard floor and slowly opened his bedroom door. A part of her was still hoping his smiling face would meet her.

There was still no one there.

She went over to his closet and grabbed one of his shirts. She buried her face in it; his smell was still lingering there. She laid down at his bed, still with the shirt in her hands.

She started crying again. She felt so stupid. She shouldn't have jumped to conclusions, she should've just asked him, talked to him about it. About how distant he was, the messages, the lying. The girl.

Everything.

Instead, she just ran again. Exactly like her mother used to.

On one side Serena wanted to go to London to try to find him, but on the other side she didn't want to go. Because Nate clearly didn't want her to. So she felt like she had to do what he wanted.

Screw what he wants, she thought to herself.

She decided that tomorrow she would book a flight to London.

It was her time to fight for him.

* * *

Serena closed her eyes, she was tired from all the crying. She cuddled up with his shirt and was prepared to spend the night in Nate's bed. It was in this room, with all his things, she felt closest to him.

It was almost like he was there with her.

And then suddenly he was. He was standing in the doorway, staring at her.

She quickly jumped up from the bed and ran over to him. She wrapped her arms around him tightly.

"You're here" She whispered, with her lips against his neck.

He didn't say a word, he didn't hug her back, he just stood still.

She looked at him and touched his cheek, to make sure he was real.

That this was all real.

"You're really here" She whispered and wiped away a tear.

"Why are you here?" He asked tiredly.

He looked angry.

She got it, she really did.

"I…" She started.

"I was at the airport." She said and looked down at the floor.

"I came to stop you from going. And when I saw that you're flight was gone, I broke down. Because I thought you were gone with it" She said it to make him understand that she chased him, that she would fight for him. With everything she had.

"But you're here now" She smiled.

"I didn't come back for you" He said and mirrored her words from all those years ago.

He said it because he knew these words were the ones that would hurt her the most.

He knew it because still on this day that's the thing she's said to him that was absolutely the most hurtful.

He got the reaction he wanted, but at the same time didn't want.

She stared at him with tears in her blue eyes.

"I deserved that" She whispered vulnerably.

"I don't know what to say to you, Nate. I'm so sorry, I really am. I thought it was what you wanted…"

He stared at her and shook his head.

"That's the last thing I wanted, Serena. How could you think I wanted that?" He said and sighed.

"And how could you think I would ever cheat on you? Don't you know me better than that? I thought I knew you, and that you trusted me. Like I trusted you."

Serena sat down at the bed and rested her head in her hands.

"I just…" She started.

"I just thought that I had done something, that I had ruined us again. And that you had found someone new, someone that wasn't a complete mess like I am. Someone that made you happier than me. And the strangest thing was that it didn't make me angry. It made me sad. Because I had lost you, I had done something to lose the love of my life. I blamed myself for all of it, never you. And because I thought you didn't want to be with me, but also didn't want to hurt me, I decided that the best thing I could do was to remove myself from the equation. So I ran away again. I thought it was the best thing I could do. In a twisted way I did it for you…"

He listened to every word and didn't interrupt her. Afterwards he didn't know what to say to her. He still couldn't believe that she had thought he could cheat on her. Hadn't he proven many times how much he loved her?

"You promised" He said firmly.

"You promised me you wouldn't run from me again."

She nodded slowly.

"Yes, I did. I was stupid for running, I should've just asked you about the girl and none of this would've happened." _We would be engaged now. _

They stared at each other for several minutes; neither of them said a word.

Because he didn't know what to say to her and she was just afraid of his answers to the questions lingering in her mind.

She stood up and went towards him. She stopped in front of him, so close she could reach out a hand and touch him.

Not so close that she could kiss him

"I've missed you these weeks." She whispered to him.

"You're the only thing that's been on my mind. I realized I can't live without you…" She closed her eyes and more tears were escaping.

"I've missed you too" It was only a whisper.

He looked at her and she took his hand. He let her hold it for a while, before he pulled away from her touch. He went over to the window and just stood there watching the streets below them.

"I went kind of crazy when you weren't here" He said after a while.

"Everything just went black. Nothing mattered to me anymore. I just gave up on everything. I don't want to have those feelings one more time. I can't bear to lose you again" He felt like crying, but didn't

"And now I'm starting to think that the only way to not lose you is to not have you at all."

It hit her hard. Her hands were starting to shake and she took deep breaths between the many tears. This was one of the worst things he could tell her.

That he had given up on them. But she couldn't give up.

Not his time.

"You can't say things like that, Nate…Please…" she was pleading now.

"I just don't know anymore…I just…" He sighed, couldn't find the right words.

"Please tell me you believe that we eventually can get back to how it was, how we were. You and me. Us. Please, Natie" She was desperate for some hope.

"I don't think we can go back to the same, to be like we were" He finally said.

A loud cry escaped from her lips. And she closed her eyes and prayed that she could open them and all of this would be gone. They would be back in that little perfect bubble.

But when she opened them, she just saw Nate still standing by the window.

Everything was still wrong.

"Maybe we can be better." She cried.

"Maybe…" Nate said and she could feel a little bit of hope again.

"I want us to be." He confessed and she felt relived. He hadn't completely given up on them.

"I just don't know how to" He added.

"I will fight for this. For you. For us" She said firmly and emphasized every word.

Then suddenly he turned around and walked out of the room.

And when she ran after him it hit her, she had to fight _now_. Them not being together had to end right away or it would break her. She had to make him realize that she was in it for good. She would never run again. She would stay. She had to make him realize all of that.

And she had to do it now.

"Ask me" she said in a steady voice when she caught up with him in the living room.

"Ask me the question you were going to ask me the day I went away."

"Ask me, Natie"

He looked at her, took in her words. His hand went automatically to his pocket.

The ring was there.

It had been there the entire time she was gone.

"I…" He started. And she saw he wasn't able to.

So Serena went up to him and suddenly she was down on one knee.

"I'll do it" She said and looked up at him.

"Nathanial Archibald, I love you so much, and I want to spend the rest of my life with you. I promise you I'm done running; I will never be able to run away from you again. I swear. This is me fighting for you. "

She took a deep breath.

"Will you marry me?"

He was in shock. He hadn't expected this.

He hesitated at first, but he soon realized that it was nothing to be hesitating about.

He believed her, he believed her when she said that she was done running.

This proved it.

It was a wonderful feeling.

So he sat down at the floor with her and kissed her fiercely.

The kiss took her breath away.

And when they parted he laid a hand on each of her cheeks and started into her eyes.

"Yes" He said firmly.

"Of courseI want to marry you. There's nothing else I want more."

Then he reached for the box in his pocket.

"I think it will look better on you" he said and placed the ring on her finger.

"It's beautiful" She said as he wiped away her tears.

"I love you" She said and kissed him.

"I love you too" He grabbed her and pulled her up from the floor.

He held her tightly and twirled her around in his arms.

They both knew it then, in that moment.

This_ would_ last forever.

Because there were no other outcomes possible.

Neither could be happy with another, and they couldn't live without each other.

They belonged together.

_Serena and Nate. Nate and Serena._

That was the most obvious and right thing in the whole world.


	29. Happily ever after

**A/N: Just some small moments in Nate and Serenas life together. Enjoy! And please review :D**

* * *

"Hide it." He smiled at her.

"I want them to really be surprised" He said and kissed her lightly.

They were standing in the elevator, ready to tell their family and friends that they were engaged. Or it was really just her family, but Nate felt more at home with them than he ever did with his own.

"Are you nervous?" She asked and squeezed his hand.

"I just wonder how you're mother will react. She can be really scary..." He took a deep breath before entering the suite.

"Don't worry; my mother has always adored you." She whispered in his ear and kissed him one last time before facing the others.

"There you are!" Lily said and walked over to give them both a kiss on the cheek.

"We're very curious" She said and Rufus, Eric, Dan, Blair and Chuck all nodded in agreement.

Chuck smirked at them like he knew their little secret, and he probably did.

"We have something to tell you." Serena started.

"That much we figured out" Blair said impatiently. She was hoping this was what she thought it was. That they had sorted out their problems and Nate had gone down on one knee.

At the same time she hoped it wasn't that, because a small part of her wanted to be a bride before her best friend.

"We're engaged!" Serena then said and the whole room was silent for a couple of seconds, before everyone started to talk at the same time.

"Oh my god!" Blair screamed and hugged them.

"You're not pregnant?" Lily asked nervously.

"Congratulations!" Rufus screamed and started talking about waffles to celebrate.

"I'm so happy for you guys" Eric said and took Nate's hand.

"She's officially your problem now"

Nate laughed and Serena looked at him and pouted.

"I'm not that bad" She said and Nate kissed her head to say that she was not that bad at all.

The only one who didn't say anything at first, was Dan. He sat in silence and you could see that he was trying to process the news.

"You okay?" Nate asked and sat down next to him.

"Yeah. I'm fine." He answered and gave Nate a smile.

"Really, I'm fine." He said again when he saw the look he was given by his friend.

"Just a little shocked. But congratulations."

Nate offered Dan an understanding smile. He would be shattered if the table was turned.

* * *

"Thanks for sharing your family with me" Nate whispered to Serena when they sat down to eat waffles.

"They will soon be you family too"

Serena said and couldn't stop smiling as she grabbed Nate's hand under the table.

* * *

"Are you okay, Serena?" Nate asked and rushed over to her. She was sitting on the tip of the coach, pale and frozen.

"I have to tell you something" She said in all seriousness.

"Okay. What is it?" He said and sat down next to her, he felt a fear creeping up on him.

Everything had been so perfect the last months and they were getting married soon, but now it seemed like Serena had some bad news to deliver.

Serena took his face in her hands and smiled at him.

"Promise me you won't be mad, that you won't freak out. Promise me."

"You are starting to scare me" Nate said and kissed her nose.

Serena took a deep breath, she didn't know how he would take this, the timing of it was terrible.

"I'm pregnant" She whispered and a single tear escaped.

"Can you repeat that?" Nate whispered in shock.

"I'm pregnant" She said again, this time louder and in a steadier voice.

His whole face lit up as he grabbed her and twirled her around.

"We're getting a baby!" He yelled as he kissed her fiercely.

* * *

It seemed like all of New York were gathered for their big day.

It was a sunny day, not a cloud in sight.

It was perfect.

The church was filled with white beautiful flowers and people in colorful dresses and dashing suits.

As the doors opened and Serena and Rufus was about to enter, Nate had to close his eyes and count to ten.

Just to be ready for what to come.

But nothing could've prepared him for the sight that hit him as he opened his eyes.

He was left breathless as he first saw Serena coming towards him.

He had never seen her look this stunning and a tear escaped his eyes as she came closer.

For a moment he thought back on the white party when she had caught him by surprise when she had kissed him fiercely. Right when their lips parted, she had looked like an angel. And now she looked even more amazing.

"Hey" he whispered when he reached out to take her hand.

"You look…" He paused, there were no words.

She smiled at him and he just touched the little bump that was showing under her dress.

"I love you so much" She whispered as they turned to face the minister.

Then there were words of love, speeches, music and tears everywhere.

And finally the moment they had been waiting for was there.

She said I do and he echoed her seconds later.

"You may now kiss the bride."

They smiled at each other and he formed those three little words before kissing his wife for the first time.

* * *

"I'm not too late am I?" He breathed out as he ran towards Lily and Blair.

"No, you're right on time."Lily said and smiled at him.

"She's in there" Blair said and pointed towards the door behind them.

"Hey beautiful" He said as he entered the room.

He sat down next to her bed and kissed her hand.

"You're here" She whispered relived.

"Of course I am, I wouldn't miss this for the world."

And one hour later he was holding his little daughter.

"She looks like you." Serena said tenderly.

"I hope not" He answered and kissed the little girl.

Serena laughed and felt like the luckiest girl in the world.

* * *

"Be careful, William" Serena said to the little boy sitting with the pool.

"You can't worry so much" Nate said and smiled at his wife.

"I can't help it" She said and sent her son another worrying look.

Nate went over to her and sat down in the sofa next to her.

"That's one of the things I love most about you." He said and kissed the top of her head.

"You're the greatest mother" He said as she laid her head on his shoulder.

"Tell that to Summer the next time she storms to her room"

He laughed at her.

"She hasn't got that temper from me" He teased her.

Serena had to smile too. She cuddled up in his arms and sighed.

"I love you, Natie" She said for the millionth time.

"I love you too" He said and kissed her for the billionth time.

Everything was right in the world.

_fin_


End file.
